Monday, January 31, 2011

honest pain & the promised rescue.

"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed.
Treat me nice for a change;
I'm so starved for affection.
Can't you see I'm black-and-blue,
beat up badly in bones and soul?
God, how long will it take
for you to let up?
Break in, God, and break up this fight;
if you love me at all, get me out of here.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!
I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed
has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
nearly blind, I squint and grope. "
Psalm 6:1-7 (the message)

I love David's honestly in this. He is hurting at his core and is crying out at the Lord for rescue. This is so often the opposite of what I do in my brokenness. Instead of letting the pains of my heart show, I cover them up the way that so many Christians do and pretend that I can see the Lord's work through the heartache, but if I am honest, right now I have no idea what the Lord is doing with my struggles and the struggles of my family. I am starving for the Lord and reaching out for a hand to bring me back to the surface of this pile of pain that is suffocating me. And all this darkness has hit at the most confusing time. Next week, applications come out to be a Younglife leader, something I have wanted for so long. But I am feeling just like David when he says "I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!" I feel like the weight of my family's issues and my own issues are beating me to the grave. How am I suppose to lead when I am so lost in my own mess right now? I am tired and confused and lost and ready for the Lord to show up in my home where there hope seems lost.

"Get out of here, you Devil's crew:
at last God has heard my sobs.
My requests have all been granted,
my prayers are answered.
Cowards, my enemies disappear.
Disgraced, they turn tail and run."
Psalm 6:8-10

Even more than I love David's honesty in his pain, I love the rescue. I love that when David seems hopeless and unfixable and so lost that finding his way seems impossible, God sweeps in with strength and power and redemption and hope. As much as it doesn't feel like it right now, the Lord is working and he hears my cries. He knows the pains of my heart even when I am hiding behind a mask. I love that David says all his requests have been granted- that every prayer has been answered. I am praying hard for my family. Praying hard for this hard place that we are sitting in and that seems to be tearing us apart. Praying that instead of pushing out, I can lean in to the Lord for guidance and obey. That above all, I seek Him and hold onto the truth that comes with His love. That I can continue to believe that my prayers are not only heard by my Father, but also answered. I pray for hope in a situation that seems so hopeless and for light in a very dark place.
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