the edge of the sea.

at the edge of the ocean is where it all fits into place for me. You are so great there. so much bigger than i let you be in my life daily. your whisper is in the waves rolling to the shore. your love is in the details on the different color sea shells and the millions upon millions of little grains of sand. you are so great. so loving. i so often let my own fears get in the way of seeing that. fears of being a failure, or fears of repeating the past. fears of being alone, and fears of vulnerability. with these fears, i cannot find the freedom you offer with your love. so take them. and guide my soul. let me rejoice in the fact that i am powerless. that the future does not exist without you and that, if i let you, you will paint it more beautiful that i ever could. i often forget that you are resting inside of me. that i don't have to search for you. that i don't have to travel to the ocean to feel your presence. you are in my heart. 

"into your hands i commit my spirit, redeem me, oh God of truth." psalm 31:5

the fall.

I open my eyes .
A depth of blackness i have never know devours my sight.
The stench of sour milk and rotten eggs
Sulfer and burning flesh
Where am I?
Stagnate warmth of the most unsettling nature ex-fixates my every motion
I can feel my hands dragging through the thick odors that bite at my nostrils
I can even hear the stench filling every pour of my skin.
Its as if the air has never known life.
This is no wind I know

I stand but my head begins to spin.
I tumble backwards.
Falling...
Falling ....
Falling ....
Through the particals of filth and wretchedness
Through the parched air
Through this lifeless void
I keep falling ...
Falling...
Lifeless...
Falling... Tears.

How have i ended up here?
When did i ever wish myself away to a vacuum of stench and filth?
All i know to do is cry, for the falling will not cease
And the smell will not disappear.
I swell full of tears and burst longing for my home.

I long for the twigs of trees and the buzz of bees
I long for the blooming flowers and the pictures painted in the clouds
I miss the gentle eyes of friends and strangers
I miss the soothing warmth of grass beneath my feet.
I miss the western breeze gently caressing my cheek.
Every tear brings forth a new sea of memory.
Every memory brings forth a new tide of tears.
And the falling never stops ...
Down...
Down...
Down...

Suddenly
Though the tears i see a flicker.
A glow.
An amorphous pool of light and water has sprung above me
It grows closer and closer with every fleeing moment.
A cold burst dances to my toes.
The gently moving water engulfs me and i am swimming.
I can taste the tingle of salt and emotion all over my body
I know these are my tears.

As i swim the light expands and grows.
The shores of my tears reach to the furthest corners of my sight
The warmth of a rainbow starts in my chest and fills me with joy.

I feel ground again.

I cry...

I watch the grass grow beneath my feet.
An apple tree grows at my side as i watch the sun rise and set a thousand wondrous ways.
I rest my back to a tree and see birds hearing every note of their song as they flutter to the branches nearest my heart.
A family of squirrels russles in leaves above me and knock an apple on my head.
I heard their giggles dance off in to infinity.

What a magnificent place.

Embrace.
Arms around my waist.
A familiar smiling face
His eyes telling me I am home again.
Back to the truth.
Back to the a love that could move mountains.
Back to where i belong.

you give and take away.

Its the take away part that I often don't understand, but I trust you. Lately the weight of insignificance has been pressing down hard on my shoulders. I just want to matter sometimes. But then you call me your "crown of splendor" and I rejoice in the fact that I am that precious to you. Your princess. Although this weekend was a bummer, and I was angry at you and everyone else, I know in my heart that your purpose is stronger and your path is right. Forgive my selfish ways. And in all honesety, I don't matter, because its all you. Only YOU.

Begging.

"Here I am
One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love"

-Shane & shane

I am begging for more than just the surface, more than just the right answers. I am begging for you to move in my life in ways I could never imagine, to break through the walls of my stubborn heart into the center of my busy and messy soul.

another sleepless night.

I begin to wonder if this will ever stop.
The slamming of doors and shouting of voices.
My hands are shaky and my heart is racing.
But I can't rescue her.
Only You can. So please. I am begging you.
I won't sleep tonight.
Not until this stops.
Hold me please.

so good.

I always knew that the time would come when they would pack up and move on and I would feel nothing by abandoned and alone. But as I sit here in the moment of my once biggest fear taking place, I search my heart for those feelings and can't find them. I see you here. In this moment of what I thought would be utter hopelessness and loneliness, You whisper "trust me." I said "yes," but never thought You would work so quickly for... me? Over these past few weeks, I have seen your face in my new friends. I have heard you in conversation of vulnerability, something I promised myself I would not allow this year with these people. Lord, You are here. You are capturing my heart and romancing me through this change. Thank you for continually stripping me of the things "I can't live without" and filling me with You. Thanks for showing me your unconditional love and never disappointing me when I trust you. You are my God, and you are so good.

and the healing begins.

in reading Captivating, i've been exploring my heart lately. trying to find the things that keep me from Jesus and the places where i can really see His glory. in all the exploring, i realized that i'm wounded. and while i thought these wounds were covered, i realized that i have never really let myself see the full damage they have done to my heart. instead, i have just put a bandage on top and hope that they will heal on their own. the messages these wounds carry have been a heavy burden on me and relationship with others. today, during a 4 hour plane ride full of tears and smiles, i let myself see the full effects my brokenness has had on my life. i have been living in this constant state of feeling like i'm never good enough, and no matter what i do, i never will be. that i am not worth fighting for and that no one would take the time to fight for me. in this, i felt alone. but today, Jesus told me something different. He called me His bride. His sweet crown of splendor He holds tenderly in His hands. His perfect one. Jesus reminded me that i hold all of His beauty and glory in my heart, and He wants to restore it to holy ground once again. He tells me that my wounds are not my fault, but the Dark Prince is jealously trying to destroy my heart. my Father takes up His sword against evil and FIGHTS FOR ME. He fights for my beauty? for my glory? am i really worth that? "yes. you are beloved daughter. you are worth fighting for." i praise Your name, Lord. let Your mercy rain down on me.

mystery.

i sit and stare out at the ocean. i have never see a color blue like this before. the neon turquoise that is almost to beautiful to be real. the sand seeps through the spaces between my toes and the breeze gently touches my face. under the water is a whole new world of beautiful mysteries i have never seen before. the details of the coral and the perfect designs on the little fish are what have me amazed. You are so alive here and You created all this, for me? Jesus, there is so much about you that i don't know. that i don't understand. but i love the mystery of your sovereignty. i love that i will never fully know. my heart is peaceful today. still. today, you are so real. Lord, help me through the days when it is hard for me to see this beauty. because you are always this close, i just don't always allow myself to see it. let my heart be freed from the chains that hold it down. rid my life of all the keep me from seeing and feeling this kind of love. and when i am falling, Lord, save me. let me cling to you with all i have. Jesus, continue to fill me with joy like this. joy that comes from life with you. joy that pours out of your love for me. love that conquers all. you desire me, so you created this masterpiece of a world so that i might get a glimpse of your kingdom. God, i feel you as you engulf me in your creation. i pray i can continue to be amazed at the wonders you have made for me. thank you for loving me so much. thank you that i can't understand you. thank you for you beauty. and thank you for you mystery.

"Come, let us return to the LORD. 

       He has torn us to pieces 

       but he will heal us; 

       he has injured us 

       but he will bind up our wounds."

Hosea 6:1

I love this picture. Of the Lord tearing us to pieces. Of him furiously hunting us down and ruining our lives. I often picture God as this old man that just sits back and observes all the wrong-doings in my life. not speaking to me. not taking any action. just sitting. and so i just go on with life. nothing changes. but i am so wrong. Jesus is on a wild hunt for my heart. every time i sway from him, he captures me again. And its after he captures me that he breaks me. He makes a mess out of my life. and as i sit in the middle of my broken pieces, he calls that progress? this is such a beautiful picture, but so hard for me to understand. there is so much beauty in the brokeness but it is so hard to see sometimes. the most beautiful part of the process is the healing. The mercy. the redemption. the LOVE. Jesus slowly takes his own bones, his own blood, and tenderly fixes all the broken places in my life. He beings to whisper louder through the pain of healing. he says "I'm here. It will be okay. Trust me, beloved." and there are no sweeter words. 

And let the bones you have broken rejoice!

PS.

my best friends are graduating this week. im not. thats scary, but SO EXISTING FOR THEM!

LIONS. TIGERS. BEARS. OH MY!
hehe. we are dorks, i know.

lost in romace.

i have this burning desire in my heart to be desired, persued, wanted. to feel as if someone needs me in their life. but i am continually disappointed in my search. at the same time i feel this desire, the Lord feels the same towards me. he desires my attention. desires my heart. desires a relationship with me? wow. he waits for me. ever so paitently he waits. even though i continue to disappoint him, he waits. he waits on me to talk to him. waits for me to open my heart. Father, thank you for desiring me even when i was looking for love in all the wrong places. thank you for the way you romance me. thank you that you want me so much, you bless me with the beauties of the earth to get my attention. i ask that you help me to desire YOU. to put you first. to understand my need for you love and your need for mine. "You will find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13) Help me to seek you, and to find you. to desire you and to love you. to want you and trust you. Helo me to get lost in the romance of our relationship.

stacking bricks.

i can feel the walls going up again. as these emotions begin to twist and turn in my stomach, i push them further down. i push them deep, cover them, hide them, and smack a smile on top. each time i feel them bubbling up, i just keep stacking the bricks higher and higher. and i wait. wait for someone to break through. wait for someone to see the real me. the hurt. im stuck. but this is where the magic of it all comes in. father, you know me. you know the hairs on my head, my every though. you know my path and my decisions even before i do. i don't have to wait. ive never had to wait. you are there, by my side, in my heart. sweet Jesus, you break through. you tear down the walls. you listen and you continually call me your beloved. what a breath of fresh air you are when i am suffocating. the love you have for me, wow. even as i try to build walls, Lord, you fight to break them down. Father, help me to trust in you even as i feel this burden. help me to run to the feet of the cross instead of stacking bricks. 

"how long oh Lord will You forget me

how long oh Lord will You hide

hide Your face from me

how long must i wrestle with me

and everyday have sorrow in my heart

sorrow in my heart

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

look on me Lord and answer me

give my eyes light or i will sleep in death

i will sleep in death

my enemies say "i will overcome him"

and my foes rejoice even when i fall

i dont want to fall

for i will trust in Your unfailing love

my heart rejoices in Your salvation

i will sing to the Lord"

-"Psalm 13" shane&shane-

"This is what the Lord says to you:

 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.

 For the battle is not yours, but God's"

2 Chronicles 20:15

my heart cries out for you, Father. 

fight my battle. 

help me see you, hear you, and praise you through this mess.

thank you for capturing my heart. 

thank you for wrapping your love around me.

rich in love.

ya know that phrase "when it rains it pours"? well its as if it has been pouring in my life for a good 2 or 3 weeks now. the pile only seems to be getting higher and higher o problems. "why God?" has been the new phrase around my house recently. but instead of asking why, i'm trying to see the light at the end of this tunnel. "O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you!" (Psalm 84:12) this verse has brought me a peace through this crazy thunderstorm. i find a freedom in knowing that if i trust in my Father, i will be blessed. I am rich, Jesus. rich with your love and your grace. the grace that i do not deserve, but you give to me anyways. thank you for your gift. and i even thank you for the rain, because if it wasn't for the rain, i wouldn't appriciate the sun.

out of this world.

7/20/07
"I started thinking that I all i needed was love. I needed to be needed. I needed to be idolized. I needed to be that thing that a person stares at and wants more than anything in the world. I needed that rush of having someone hold you and tell me that i am pretty. I always thought love was, I don't know, this intangible, impossibly beautiful thing. Something along the lines of butterflies. But then I realized that there isn't anything like that in the world. "

funny. i look back on this person i was and remember this feeling of aloneness. the feeling of being so lost and incomplete. and not knowing where to begin. but i was right. there isn't any such thing like this love in the world. a love that makes you feel whole by just looking in each other's eyes, or a love that makes the pain end by holding each other. this love just doesn't exist in this world. but it does exist. with my Father. with my maker. with the one that gave me life. this love is greater than the love i want. the love he has for me can not only make me feel complete and beautiful, but it can move mountains and change the world. i am so grateful for this love. so grateful for the open arms of my Savior. so grateful for a love that is out of this world.

Dad knows the way home.

today, i feel this beauty. the beauty of you in the rain. the closeness of you as you squeeze me tight to your heart and guide me back to the path of truth. back into the sun. back into life. help me to always see this. even when it seems like all that exists is the thunder and lightning crashing around me. help me to remember that your power can protect me from all. Thank you for rain, sun, and leading me home.

not enough to ask for.

the things i long for seem so complex to me. seem as if they are impossible or too much to ask for. i long for happiness and love. long to be wanted. desired. enough. long to be beautiful. i continue to pray for these things. these desires. these worldly things. but this is not what you want for me. these things that seem so far out of reach for me are so easily given to me by you. this desires are weak and half-hearted. I ask that you take them. out of mind & heart. let me desire you and what you offer. complete joy instead of happiness. unconditional love instead of a love that brings disappointments. i am beautiful and enough. you desire my heart. you want to give me the best there is because i belong to you. help me to not be easily pleased. to not long for things of this world, but instead, long for you, Jesus.

letter of love.

i received such a sweet reminder of faith today. at this point, its all i really have to keep me going. its kinda crazy and beautiful the way that our Father works his way into our lives. I love that I got a letter from one of my work crew friends the day after i felt like my world was falling apart. I am so grateful that he has a plan for this. And so grateful for the love he has for me. It is what keep me going. He truly does turn darkness into light.

"be strong & courageous. Do not be terrified; do no be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

thanks emma.

past.present.future.

past.

2008 was a year full of changes. changes in my relationships. with friends. family. and most of all with myself. i learned so much about who i am and where i belong. i am Yours. and i am loved. and i am so grateful for the people and love and beauty i got to experience this year.

 verse for 2008. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

present.

same story, different day. i'm ready for this to be over now. i want nothing more than to see you full of true joy, but you insist on turning your back. i thought it would get easier. i thought i would grown more responsible with age and be able to handle this better, but honestly, all i want it to be 17. i want to be wrapped up in boys and friends. i want to be selfish and get in trouble for staying out to late. but instead, i suck it up and put you first, although my efforts seem to have no effect on your lack of smile. but i don't give up. no matter how exhausted i am. because its worth it just to see the corners of your lips turn up for just a split second. just that little bit is enough. my heart breaks for you. i wish you could know this freedom. this love. knowing you are never alone. i'm loving, and praying for you so that some day you may break the chains that are holding you back from living a full, free, spread out your wings and fly kind of life. 

Father, help me to continue to be strong & bold in your name. help her to see you in my efforts. help her to see you everywhere. i pray you soften her heart. let her feel free. let her feel love. and let her feel life for what it really is. a celebration.

future.

who knows what in store, but its all in Your hands. guide me. teach me more. let me see you in all new way. & let me serve you with each day.