Groaning.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:18-25

Father, I am waiting for you to show up in my suffering, in my home where Jesus is a stranger and the darkness hovers over like a cloud. I am groaning for you, groaning as in childbirth for so many of my friends that ignore their need for you in their lives. Screaming out for you to show up and to help and to heal in so many places where I see the outcomes of my sin. To come. I long for you, a longing that seems dry and empty. But in this season of longing, I know and trust that it is only You that put me here. That this longing itself is a promise. Instead of this thirst and desperation being the lack of Your answer, help me to see that maybe it IS the answer or at least the presence of it. Your promise is true and great and holy. You will come, You will show up, and You will heal and fill and pour love and grace over the parts of my heart and soul that are dying to be quenched. I pray for patience as I wait, that I may wait well and not be afraid to go deeper into the longing of my heart. May I be stricken with lovesick desire for You, sweet Lord.

"What is desire satisfied without desire unmet? how our hearts need to go hungry before we are fed."

Advent.

"Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Christ. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying, 'Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismissd your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people,a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” Luke 2:25-31

Simeon is everything I want to be around Christmas time.
First, it says that Simeon is righteous. He is trying, with everything in him to be moral and virtuous. And second, it says that Simeon is devout. He is running after the Lord and seeking him in preparation for the salvation of Israel. In the silence, Simeon knew that the Lord would come again. In some versions it says that "the breathe of God was upon him" instead of the Holy Spirit. I love that, love that the breath of God and the Holy Spirit are the same. The breathe of God consumes me and carries me. Simeon was moved by the spirit, just at the right moment, in perfect timing to come face to face with the light of the world. I think about my life and the moments when push of the Holy Spirit was very apparent and am overwhelmed by the provision of the Lord.

I pray that my heart ready for the coming of the Lord in my life. That, as Simeon, I will wait for the Lord patiently and faithfully, trusting that He will show up. I pray that my life is one that seeks righteousness and devoutness. That sprints to the cross with everything I have. I also pray that I am stripped of myself and allow the Holy Spirit to carry me into the presence of Jesus where my eyes can see salvation.

season of longing.

There is just something about the fall for me that makes my heart a little bit heavier and days a little lonelier. Songs of broken hearts and distant memories seem to fit. Maybe it the cool weather’s reminder that all I have to warm me is layers of clothing and the heat in my lonely room, but whatever it is, it makes me a little blue. The fall is a season of longing for me. Longing to have someone to cuddle up next to and remind me of my beauty, a beauty that stands out even in the crowds of gorgeous women around me. I long to be desired and pursued. Long to feel like I am wanted. This longing is in every woman’s heart, but its consumed me lately. So I’m giving it up. Take my desires, Lord, and make them Your own. Let me seek You first, and know that through You all my desires are fulfilled. That You love me, You pursue me, and You think I am as beautiful as the changing fall leaves. I pray that I can rest in this and that it is enough. That instead of reaching for the world’s definition of a woman, I chase after Yours. Meet me here in my selfishness and consume me in Your love. Father, let me run after You with everything I have and find my idenity in You instead of in the men around me. Thank You that Your love washes away my dirt. Thank You that I can come as I am and that You wouldn’t have me any other way.

waiting.

I am impatient and weak. Whenever I think I have it all figured out, all together, You wreck me. I am in a sticky place but instead of trying to crawl out of it, I will rest with You here. Rest in knowing that I am not alone and that You are working. You work for the good, even in the bad. I trust in the Truth and I have hope.

"Yet I call this to mind and I HAVE HOPE; because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; GREAT is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion', therefore I will wait on him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him, it is good to WAIT QUIETLY for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:21-26

home.

I am so often the prodigal son. Taking my money, my worth, everything that the Lord has created for me and throwing it all away on junk. I get so lost in the mess. Lonely, bruised, broken. Longing for a heart that is whole and a life that is more than the nothing I let mine become. But I know my way home. I know where my heart belongs. And every time I get a little lost, I hear Jesus calling me back to him. Whispering that he loves me. Kissing my wretched soul and picking up the pieces of my life they are precious bits of gold. There is nothing more overwhelming than the holy embrace of a Father that loves me to the ends of the earth.I am captivated and amazed by the love of our God today. A God that never gives up and that is WITH me, always.

the wind.

The wind blew fiercely, as if it was trying to push me away, but I fought against it. I pushed harder and harder into the darkness of the night. The rain formed a cold blanket over my body as I walked away, not knowing where I was going or what was next. All I knew was that if I stopped the pain in my chest would become unbearable and the reality of my broken heart would kick in. Then again, maybe all I needed was to let myself go with the wind, but I didn’t think of that at the time.
I reached the pit of the black nothing. It was colder and darker than I had ever dreamt of. Yes, I had dreamt of this place before. This place where I thought my broken heart could be forgotten forever. Where life seemed to have no meaning, which is what I thought I wanted. The wind was gone, or so it seemed.
Suddenly I was in chains. They were heavy and tight. I tried to break free but I was weak. Hopeless I laid there with nothing but the darkness to comfort me. Was anyone going to help me? Just like I had predicted, the reality of my brokenness hit, and hit hard. It was as if someone had dropped a dozen bricks on top of my lungs. As if someone has ripped out my heart with his bare hands and was stomping on it over and over. I couldn’t breathe and I was sure that I would die soon.
Then, the wind came.
It filled my lungs with more air than I had ever taken in before. It lifted me out of the black and carried me above the clouds. I would have been afraid if it hadn’t been so strong. I trusted it to hold me. It was gentle as it showed me the wonderful things I had been walking away from.
The wind had been fighting for me all along.

a perfect night.

Whenever the moon shimmers on top of the ocean, I will remember your eyes.

The night was perfect. The gentle and cool air crept its way between our bodies, giving me more reason to step in closer. I could hear your heart racing and feel your warm breath on my neck as we hugged. You said that you hate showing affection in public, so the fact that we were on a popular peer surrounded by people made me feel special. But you always made me feel special. Knowing my heels are killing me, you scooped me up in your arms and carried me down to the beach. You sat me down gently in the sand and patiently waited for me to take of my shoes. Then you stuck out your hand to help me up, something you were always doing. Not just in a physical sense, but emotionally as well. I like that I didn't even have to ask you for help or tell you when I need someone to talk to because you already knew.

You wanted to walk but I had something else in mind. I started sprinting clumsily for the dark ocean. You didn't follow, but instead just watched from the shoreline. I splashed some water your way and begged you to get in, but honestly, all I really wanted was for you to look at me like that forever. Your eyes were tender as they soaked in every detail of the moment. As I made my way back into your arms, I realized how wet I really was. My shorts were soaked but we just laughed about it. We sat and you listened as I rambled about my life. You laughed at my stupid jokes and smiled as I talked about my friends and family that you had never met, asking questions and prying open my past. I loved that you were patient with me as I tried to make sense of my messy life for you. I ran my fingers through the sand and looked up only to find you starring at me again with those eyes. You played with my hair and twisted it around your finger as we talked, but somehow you still managed to pay attention to every word that spilled out of my mouth. And even when there were moments of silence, we were still so comfortable.
I turned around to face you. Its was cute, the way that even when the slightest crack of a smile appeared on your face it created dimples that covered your cheeks. Our hands entwined, bodies close. I thought you were going in for the kill but instead you starred into my eyes and said, "What are you thinking right now?" I was shocked that you actually wanted to know. After quickly trying to clear my throat to erase the shakiness from my voice, I said, “How this has been the perfect night; dinner, the ocean, the beach, everything.”

I didn't tell you the truth, well at least not the whole truth anyway. Yes, the night was perfect, but it wasn’t because I could see almost every star in the sky or because the moon was almost full. It wasn’t because I was at the beach and I could hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore behind us. The truth was all I was thinking about was you; how badly I wanted to kiss your smooth lips, how I wish we had more than just two days until I had to leave you, how this is the best first date I could have ever asked for with a boy unlike the rest that crowded my memories.

It felt like a year between the last syllable that uttered from my lips and the time that your lips were on mine, but when it happened it was bliss. Your hands slowly let go of mine and crept their way up to my neck where your fingertips hid in my blonde curls. I kept hearing something in my hear that sounded like the beat of a drum, but then I realized it was your heart beating loud and fast. I made your heart beat faster? ….Me? I pulled in closer and kissed with more passion than before realizing that my heart was beating faster too.

hideout.

i just want to hide out here for a while, just a little while. just until the weather is warm and this whole worrying thing can stop. what comes next? i STILL don't know. but i am nervous/anxious/excited/scared/ready/unprepared/ah/AH!. but it's about that time, and i am trying to listen. i pray for ears that quiet the voices of my head and voices of those of the world around me. i pray for ears that can only hear you.

the longing.

I don't know if its the weather or my heart, but I am stir crazy. I long for adventure of any kind. I long for sunshine and wonder. I long for the windows down and my heart soaring free. I want to be wild and passionate. Loving and forgiving. I want to give dangerously. I'm ready for something new. This cold winter that has been hanging around on my skin and in my soul has got to go. It times for sun. For life the way you want it and planned it.

little island.

The weather is beginning to change along with my life. Sometimes all I want is to escape to this place where life is so full and simple. Where I can feel my heart beat and my lungs fill with clean crisp air. You are so big there on that small little island. I think about all the lives you have transformed under that weeping willow; one of them being my own. Just looking at this picture makes me feel home. Father, thank you for rescuing me and bringing me life. Thank you for this island and the friends I have made there. Thank you for being so much bigger than I let you be sometimes; so much bigger than this little island.

next?

memories of yesterdays have become blurs spinning around in my head. baby steps have turned into huge leaps, my future has become my present. i am scared of what comes next, whether that is college or this new dream, i don't know. i can't distinguish between what my heart is whispering and what my head is screaming. and Your voice is so distant in all this. I'm stuck in the maze and You are calling my name, but I can't figure out which path leads to you. help, please.

breathing.

Breathing seems harder these days. Not the kind that is required for my life to go on, but the deep breaths you take when the world is calm and peaceful around you. The breaths you take when you know you are somewhere safe, somewhere you are loved. The breaths you take when Your beautiful creation is so overwhelming that all my problem seem to fade away into the corners of the world where they become nothing but nonsense. I am gasping for air. Trying so hard to find myself in one of these breaths that I am forgetting what normal breaths feel like, and its killing me. But You save me. You always save me. You scoop me up in Your powerful, tender arms and hold me close to Your chest. In..... and out.....in......and out.... You repeat over and over as I listen to Your heart beat and Your deep voice rattle from the inside out.

"You are my beloved. You are worth everything to me, worth my Son. You are enough. You are beautiful. My princess, my bride. I love you more than you know. Just BREATHE."

Thank you for saving me.