"He laughed"

I keep trying to take it all into my hands. In my impatience, in my fear, in my untrust, I laugh at the Lord like Abraham did. As the Lord, creator of all the earth, once again tells Abraham of the plans He has for him and his wife, Abraham forgets who God is, as I so often do. I laugh in the face of my King, of my Father, of the one who has already proven to be so faithful and so good. I suggest new ideas. I ask Him to bless my efforts as I try and fulfill His plans on my own. But, oh He knows my doubting. He hears me laugh just as heard Sarah laugh, and He doesn't stop loving me. He doesn't take back His promises just because I don't believe they are true. He is faithful, even when I am faithless.

wow.

The sun sets, and I take a deep breathe knowing that the bright pinks of the clouds and the suddle blues of the mountains are a painting for the delight of my eyes and heart by my Makers hands. The Lord has been persuing my heart faithful and constantly, all because He wants me close to Him. What a sweet thing it has been for me to learn that the Lord doesn't need me, but wants me so much, and to actually believe it! He wants me enough to breathe into creation the magnificent planets and the stars and the very cells in my body with such detail all because it he is demonstrating himself to me. And it was effortless to create such great things; things that seem like they are so much more beautiful and incredible than me. But the Lord chose me, chose US. When it came to me, to you, he paid and immerabule cost so that we might be in a relationship with him. Out of all the wonders of the earth, He chose me to wash over with his son's holy blood so that I might be able to understand His love for me. What a sweet, sovereign Lord we have. I am overwhelmed by thanksgiving.

titus 3:3-7

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."

I am prideful and greedy. My human heart longs for praises of myself; to be liked, loved, and beautiful. My selfish desires often consume me without me even noticing it. I have been foolish, disobedient, deceived, and enslaved by so many things of this world that pull me away from the Cross. Things that make my soul settle for just walking slowly to Jesus instead of running as fast as I can to His feet. I have lived in envy and hated my brothers and sisters. I haven't loved people well, and haven't loved some people at all.

But then, something happened. Kindness and love appeared. I learned what it means to be fully known and fully loved. To be enough. God saved me from the world, from the sinful desires of my heart. He saved me from myself. Nothing that I did, nothing that I can do, therefore nothing I can boast in or be proud of. He washed me and renewed me and made me whole and clean and pure. He, so generously, gave me the Holy Spirit so that I may be with Him always. I have been justified only through his grace that I have no choice but to let wash over me daily or I would be overwhelmed with shame. I am a princess to my Father, and heir to the holiness of His Kingdom. I pray that the riches of his love are enough for me on earth. That his grace and mercy and glory would be the only thing I am proud of.

freedom from shame.

“Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. I would still choose my dove, my perfect one- the favorite of her mother, dearly loved by the one who bore her.” Song of Solomon 4:10; 6:9

My soul is heavy. Today, my sin and my idols became so real and apparent. And after seeing them, I sat in disgust at a heart that has put so many things before Jesus. My shame so often gets ahold of me. I hide behind my appearance because if it seems like I have it all together, maybe people won't ask questions. I let my past brokenness creep up on my heals and start to overtake my light. But I'm laying it down tonight and accepting grace and mercy with grateful, loving heart because God chooses me. The King of all kings calls me his beloved. His perfect one. His TREASURE. I have been washed clean in the eyes of the only One whose opinion I need to worry about. I have been set free from my shame. From my burden. And have been delighted in and loved. I am choosing the truth tonight. Choosing to believe that my story and my past has been a story of redemption and rescue. I am loved through it all. Through the darkest of the dark and the deepest of the deep. You know my junk, but I am YOURS.

today.

I am exhausted. This past week has been so emotional and exciting and crazy. I have gained a lot of new friends, but lost a lot of sleep. I am sick, stuffy, and tired. On top of it all, there are papers, projects, and tests that need to get done and friendships that need nurturing. Also, my family is going through a lot and my heart is in a different city today. I feel like I am in neutral today, just drifting along from class to class. But in the midst, the Lord has found me.

Some people brought a man who could neither hear nor speak and asked Jesus to lay a healing hand on him. He took the man off by himself, put his fingers in the man's ears and some spit on the man's tongue. Then Jesus looked up in prayer, groaned mightily, and commanded, "Ephphatha!—Open up!" And it happened. The man's hearing was clear and his speech plain—just like that.

Mark 7:32-35

I love that the Jesus pulls us away from the crowd to be with Him in the midst of our inability to hear Him or speak to Him. That He touched the man because that is his only way for him to understand what is happening. I love that Jesus speaks to us in our language. That when my ears and mouth are shut to Him, that Christ finds another way to remind me of His love and grace. Today, the Lord has spoken to me in the sunshine. As my heart ached in hearing the brokenness going on with my family in Nashville and refused to hear the good in it or speak to the Lord about it, He reminded me of His love with His creation. The days have been cold and dreary here in Knoxville this past week, but my soul has found its own warmth in the excitement of events going on. Today, however, my soul is cold and lost in busyness and tiredness but the sun is shining and reminding me of the peace and light found in Christ. The Lord opened my ears and mouth by opening my eyes and speaking my language. He pulled me out of the crowdedness of my schedule and out of the worry and opened my hears to hear Him say, "I love you, Lindsey. Trust me with today. Know that I am with you. Do not worry, remember that everything is in My hands." And in hearing Him, my mouth was opened. I was reminded to let go of my burdens and pour out my heart. To give up my worries and let my day revolve around closeness and conversation with Him. The Lord's holiness has rescued me today from making it all about me. The Lord groans for my heart, eyes, ears, mouth, mind, and soul to be opened. To be healed and restored. He groans for a relationship with me.

YOUNGLIFE!

CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL

1,500ish people.

Red. Black. White.

BOBCATS!

16 team members.

and lots of lost high school kids.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you! My heart is so full right now. Full of hope and joy and love and peace and trust. This night was exceeded my expectations by FAR. I can't explain my joy right now, but united pursuit band does a GREAT job of it!

Come away with me, come away.

It's never too late, it's never too late,

it's not too late for you.

I have a plan for you, I have a plan.

It's going to be wild,

it's going to be great,

it's going to be full of me

You have a plan, and You have had one all along. A plan for my school. A plan for my team. A plan for my ministry. And it will only get wilder and greater and fuller than it is now. My prayer is that I stay close. That I never let myself be bigger than the cross, and that when I do, You bring me community that kicks my butt and reminds me that its not about me. I pray for humility and stillness. For a heart that trust and a faith that risks. I pray for attentiveness and receptiveness. I pray that my heart is confident because I have Jesus, the only thing I should ever be confident it. Lord, you are it. You are all. I can't wait to start this new journey and to see where You take me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU again!

risk & faith.

My heart is impatient today as I anxiously wait for the hours to pass down until I find out what school I will be spending the next few years investing in as a Younglife leader. I am excited beyond belief and ohhhh so nervous at the same time. But in the midst of the craziness, the Lord is calling me to be still and sit with Him, and here is what I got.

I spent the morning reading in Mark 5 about Jarius and the bleeding woman. Jarius was a synagogue ruler and believed in the law at his core. But it was in his weakest hour that Jarius knew the law would do nothing for him. The law could not save his beloved daughter. He is desperate. I think about how Jarius felt in the moment he saw Jesus, I am betting it was the same way that I felt when I saw him for the first time; hopeful. Although the it may only be a speck, Jarius felt hope so he throws out his pride and falls at the feet of feet of Jesus knowing that it is all he has left to do. Jarius' request is a simple one. "Put your hands on her." I miss this a lot. The fact that this is all it take to heal, the simple hands of Jesus on my heart. No medicine, no holy ritual, no laws- just hands. I love that Jesus goes with Jarius. The he follows him into his darkest place and brings light there.

As they walk together in a crowd, there is a woman that is suffering from internal bleeding. Her story is one of my favorites. Her pain isn't seen on the outside, but she feels the burden. She is unclean and can't be around people. She can't be hugged or loved or kissed. She is lonely and lost. She put her hope in doctors, but she only grew worse. We are twins. My hope is so often in other things than Jesus. I search for healing and wholeness in being beautiful, or being popular, or being successful. The only things I find from the search is that these "doctors" only make me worse. They pull me away from the only One I know to be a true healer.

More than anything, I love the risk this woman takes. That even though she shouldn't be around people, she pushes through the crowd and takes a risk in touching Jesus' cloak. I pray for a faith that is this big. A faith that risks it all on Jesus, because in my heart I know and trust that he will heal and restore and being me life. And heal he did. The woman immediately felt the bleeding stop. And though he already knows the answer, Jesus asks, "who touched me?" I love this. I love that Jesus asks because he is a relational God. That he wants the woman to open her heart to Him and pour out her soul. She trembles with fear because she knows his power and His greatness, but God is not a punisher, but a rewarder for faith like hers.

"DAUGHTER, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

No more bleeding. No more lonliness. No more being unloveable or not good enough. She was FREE from it ALL. What a sweet picture of freedom and the life found in the holiness of Christ.

But back to Jarius. I wonder how he felt during all this. I know how I would feel. Unloved, forgotten, impatient, unimportant, helpless, hopeless. As time ticks away he knows that his daughter is only growing worse. My selfish heart would be throwing a fit at Jesus as he sat down to talk with the woman about her story. When I see Jesus working quickly and largely in the lives of other, but my prayers are taking longer to be answered, I tend to feel alone and lost. Forgotten by the God who will never forget me. I am so wrong, and I know that, because even as Jesus heals the woman, he is working in the story of Jarius. I love the timing in the story of this story. That Jesus was waiting until his daughter was dead so that he could show the strength of his power.

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"

And she does. Jesus conquers death. He makes a heart that stopped beating beat again. Jarius has his life back. Not because of anything he did. Not because of the law. Not because of his good deeds. But because he fell at the feet of the only one that could restore. I pray for this in my life. Pray that I fall at the feet of Jesus knowing and trusting that He is it. He is all.

I am thankful for where the Lord has me today. It has been a sweet morning full of hope and trust in where the Lord will put me. Trust that he will continue to restore and redeem. Where I am placed is completely out of my hands, I am finding humility and relief in laying down my burdens before the Lord and bowing at his feet knowing and trusting that He has a plan and His timing is perfect.

anchors.

I thought I knew friendship. I thought I knew what it meant to be in community and to be loyal and loved and honest. I thought I knew what it meant for people to care for me and to fight for my heart. Man, was I wrong.

These girls have changed me this year in BIG ways. We are all so different, SO SO different. From our styles to our personalities to our families to the boys we like. But man, do we love each other. These girls have captivated my heart. Here is a little bit about each one of them!

Hope: Hope is vans and skinny jeans and giggles. She is random adventures and sneaking into places. She is hilarious stories and her bangs pulled to the side. Hope is one of the most honest and truthful and real people I have ever known. She is independent and confident, even if she doesn't realize it. Hope is spontaneous at her core. She makes me want to live life bigger. Hope has a deep relationship with her Savior that radiates from her actions. Her smiles makes you feel at home. Hope is so trusting of the Lord's plans in her life. The way that she lives challenges me in my faith, and I am thankful for the way she pushes me to the heart of the Lord.

Anna: Anna is faithful and commited to the God that stole her heart. She is kind and loving and caring and has continually shown me how to live out of faith. Anna asks questions and seeks my heart and pursues me. She hugs me, and really hugs me. Like the kind of hug that just makes you feel like you are at home. Anna loves to laugh and loves to play. She loveeessss her sweet horsey and loves her family. Anna longs to learn more and go deeper into the Word. Her thrist for Christ is evident. She pour out her love over all of us so well and serves us so selflessly. She is gentle and soft and I love being in her presence because I know that I am loved.

Alice: Alice is adorrrrrable. She has little feet and little hands, but man her heart is huge. That girl is so in love with Jesus. Alice is compassionate and intentional. So so intentional. She is driven to action from a love that makes you want to be a part of it. Everything she does is an overflow of her relationship with Christ and I am so inspired by the way she lives. We have very different families, but I love the way she listens so tenderly to me pour out my heart. Alice is beautiful in the simplest form. She also has the coolest hair, ever. Seriously. It has been a blessing to get to know her. In my eyes she has gone from the shy, quiet girl to the HUH-LARIOUS little dancer that can make me laugh without even trying. She is alive in Christ and full in Christ and He flows out of every pore in her body.

Jessie: Jessie is SO fun. I get an ab workout every time I spend time with her from laughing so hard. She is sweet and truthful. She isn't afraid to be vulnerable. She is weird in the best form of the word. Jessie is wild and crazy in love with Jesus. She has a heart for people and a heart for high school girls. I can't wait to watch Christ pour out of her onto to lives of broken girls that are searching for life in all the wrong places. To be around Jessie is to experience the very dangerous wonder of Jesus. She loves without boundaries and worships with humility. I love her heart and her laugh and the fact that she is my friend.

Kylie: My sweet roommate. Kylie has loved me so well these past two semesters. She has prayed for me and loved on me. She has cooked for me and shopped with me. She pursues me and pushes me. Kylie has opened the doors of her home to me and opened the doors of her heart as well. She is going to be a great roommate for a lot of reason. A few of them being; she is honest, she is responsible, and she is prayerful. She tells me like it is and kicks my butt when I need it to be kicked. Kylie is absolutely beautiful, and I think she forgets that a lot. Kylie is a family girl and has taught me so much of what it means to be a daughter and a sister. She continues to teach me so much about what it looks like to live out the gospel and let it be your life. I can't wait to spend next year under the same roof of someone that is so consumed by the the Lord.

Kate: Kate is a fast friend. The first time I met her, we went eat together. She is a servant in the purest form. She lays down her life so constantly for me, and I am grateful for the example of Christ she is. Kate has been so trusting and encouraging. She listens well, even if I am rambling about nothing. She asks questions and peals away at the layers of my heart. Being in Kate's presence is being in the very presence of Jesus. She knows she is loved and knows she is saved. Kate will be the first to recognize her wrongs and fix them. She doesn't let her pride get in the way of saying she is sorry, something I am so guilty of. Kate runs to the arms of Christ with everything and watching her sprint towards him with abandon moves me.

Blair: Blair is the sweetest girl I know. She is beautiful, seriously, seriously beautiful. Like beach babe body with long gorgeous hair and eyes that sparkle. Her heart is just a beautiful as her exterior. She is oh so loving. Her smile is enough to make you want to dance. Blair is peaceful and calm. Her eyes are tender with compassion. Blair continually lets the Lord place her feet for her next step. She is trusting and wise. Being around Blair is being comfortable. She makes you feel known, even if you have never met. She is fun and her laugh is contagious. Blair is strong and hopeful and captivating.

Mady: Sweet Mady. Mady is so kind. She is devoted. Devoted to the Lord and devoted to her friends and family. She is on my side always and I love the light that shines through her. Mady has the most gorgeous smile and her eyes are are soft as the sky. Mady had great stories and an great wardrobe. She bakes YUMMY food and cares for people with depth. She is forgiving and respectful. She is a Tennessee girl and wears boots sometimes which I love. Mady is her own self, but she knows that she doesn't belong to herself. She is humble and in love with God. She is a giver. Mady has let the gospel change her and watching it change her has made it change me even more.

Gracie: Gracie is so so so gentle. She loves with velocity and truth. Jesus is her armor and she fights hard against evil, and I love that she doesn't just fight for herself. Gracie's heart is scattered all over the world. She is cultured and speaks like a million languages... okay maybe just like 3. Gracie loves to travel and take adventures and brings out the spontaneousness in me. She lives a childlike faith that is innocent and beautiful. Gracie dances with the Lord with freedom. She follows His steps with passion and perseverance . She is trusting of the next moves He will lead her to and let's Him lead her with such grace. She is hopeful and wise. Gracie is the very fragrance of Jesus.

The more I grow with these girls, the more I realize that they are so purposefully placed in my life. They are moving me and changing me and pushing me and challenging me and carrying me. Because of them, I am living bigger and fuller than before. Because of them, I know friendship. Because of them, I know what is is to be fully known and fully loved. They are the anchors that keep me from drifting away from our Father and the cross that saved my life.

home.

"Make yourself at home in My love." -John 15:9

The Lord has been changing me deeply this Lent season. As I have waited for so long to have a home, to have a safe place, a place where I know I am loved and cherished and protected. I have found that in the heart of my savior. I can feel myself being drawn to the heart of the Lord. I have found my comfort in His love and protection. Jesus is teaching me to dance in an entirely new way. A dance of freedom and repentance and redemption. A dance where I do nothing but follow the wild but gentle steps of my God who took it all and declared it finished so that shame cannot enter the dance. I am slowly learning that this dance never stops. It is constant and consistent and the steps are never impossible. Jesus is leading and holding me, and I am finding my home in His arms.

honest pain & the promised rescue.

"Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed.

Treat me nice for a change;

I'm so starved for affection.

Can't you see I'm black-and-blue,

beat up badly in bones and soul?

God, how long will it take

for you to let up?

Break in, God, and break up this fight;
if you love me at all, get me out of here.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!

I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed
has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
nearly blind, I squint and grope. "

Psalm 6:1-7 (the message)

I love David's honestly in this. He is hurting at his core and is crying out at the Lord for rescue. This is so often the opposite of what I do in my brokenness. Instead of letting the pains of my heart show, I cover them up the way that so many Christians do and pretend that I can see the Lord's work through the heartache, but if I am honest, right now I have no idea what the Lord is doing with my struggles and the struggles of my family. I am starving for the Lord and reaching out for a hand to bring me back to the surface of this pile of pain that is suffocating me. And all this darkness has hit at the most confusing time. Next week, applications come out to be a Younglife leader, something I have wanted for so long. But I am feeling just like David when he says "I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!" I feel like the weight of my family's issues and my own issues are beating me to the grave. How am I suppose to lead when I am so lost in my own mess right now? I am tired and confused and lost and ready for the Lord to show up in my home where there hope seems lost.

"Get out of here, you Devil's crew:

at last God has heard my sobs.
My requests have all been granted,
my prayers are answered.
Cowards, my enemies disappear.
Disgraced, they turn tail and run."

Psalm 6:8-10

Even more than I love David's honesty in his pain, I love the rescue. I love that when David seems hopeless and unfixable and so lost that finding his way seems impossible, God sweeps in with strength and power and redemption and hope. As much as it doesn't feel like it right now, the Lord is working and he hears my cries. He knows the pains of my heart even when I am hiding behind a mask. I love that David says all his requests have been granted- that every prayer has been answered. I am praying hard for my family. Praying hard for this hard place that we are sitting in and that seems to be tearing us apart. Praying that instead of pushing out, I can lean in to the Lord for guidance and obey. That above all, I seek Him and hold onto the truth that comes with His love. That I can continue to believe that my prayers are not only heard by my Father, but also answered. I pray for hope in a situation that seems so hopeless and for light in a very dark place.