THE SUMMER OF MAGIC

"This is the kingdom, to see like a child, to live loved with my siblings, to work and to dance and to be filled up like a hollow, howl of laughter, fruit of joy." Wild in the Hallow, Amber C Haines

It has been the best summer of my life. 
There have been adventures and road trips and giant waterfalls.
Glasses of wine sipped with dear friends and the giggles that follow.
Sunburns in all their painful glory and splinters from running on boat docks barefoot.
I have played with kiddos in sprinklers and chased them through fountains.
Waves of fireflies covered moonlit fields as I sat with Jesus.
Waves of ocean water washed over my feet as I walked along the sand with my little brother.
I sang "Oh How He Loves Us" with new friends over high school kids as they wrestled with the Lord.
I sat on a wooden bench on a hill at Windy Gap with one of my best people and cried over the fear and the goodness of the truth that we are fully loved and fully known.
I tried new restaurants with my older brother and we shared desserts that tasted like Heaven.
I have watched the sunset over a lake and a river and the ocean.
There has been mountain biking, and go kart racing, and jeep riding.
Pools and beer and swan floats.
Darts and cornhole and Catan.
Weddings and fairs and drive-in movies.
A lot of iced coffee and a lot of ice cream.
It has been full to the brim with love and life and wonder. 
And every magical moment has felt like, what one of my heroes likes to call it, "colliding with the holy." This summer has made me feel new all over again and reminded me that Jesus is ALIVE. That He is here with us and is constantly inviting us to dance.
The summer is just a season and I know good and well that I won't stay on this mountaintop forever, but I hope and pray that I don't forget the magic. That when the winter comes and life feels heavier and colder that I would remember the lights and the love and the fireflies.

Extravagant.

 

Oh, how He loves us so....

Last night I took a long drive down a country road that I know well. The road leads to "my spot"...a gravel turnaround surrounded by open fields that is far enough from the city to see the stars. Technically "my spot" is the entrance to someone's private property, but the property is currently for sale so that means I'm not really intruding, right?

I rolled down all my windows to soak up the air, thick with summer, and blared the new Chris Stapleton album through my speakers as loud as it could go. The soulful country tunes seemed to be the perfect soundtrack to my drive. I let my foot lay heavier than on the gas pedal than it should (don’t tell my mom) and turned my steering wheel back and forth as I weaved down the windy road. Freedom.

I pulled into "my spot" and turned off my car. My heart bubbled with adrenaline for a second when I thought about being out in the middle of nowhere by myself, but the symphony of crickets quickly drowned out my thoughts and filled me with peace. I climbed up on the hood of my car and starred out over the fields. I knew it was firefly season, but still somehow seeing a sea of them lighting up never ceases to amaze me.

I looked up into the sky at the stars that seemed to be shining brighter than I had seen them in a while…and then it hit me. This is my God. This is my crazy extravagant God. This is the Love that knows no ends. Love that would create a tiny little bug with a tail that lights up every few seconds and sprinkle thousands of them out over open fields in the summer to make a magical light show...all for me. Love that would place these unimaginably large balls of fire in the sky and make them twinkle like diamonds, all whispering “you are my bride.” Love that created crickets to sing songs of praise. Love that wraps me in warm air so that I would know a true embrace. My God is Love. And My God is extravagant and powerful and magical and he has been wooing me with fireflies and music and summer and backroads. And my God does it all because he loves me and he wants me to know how much. All because I am his.

So, my friends, here is to a summer of magic and extravagance and learning just how loved I am by my Papa. Praying the same for you.

 

How he loves us so...

Luke 7:36-50 (my version)

It's getting late, almost time for work.

I slip on my prettiest dress. The Pharisees are having a dinner party tonight which means faithful customers and good money for me. I sit in front of my vanity and brush my long blonde locks, humming as I try to drown out the sounds of my "co-worker" in the room next to me with a man that apparently likes it rough. I'm so used to the sounds. To the flirting. To the drunken men stumbling their ways into the bedrooms. To the banging up against the walls. The abuse and occasional screams. The sound of coins being exchanged afterwards. This has been my home for a long time now. I used to think it would always be my home, but ever since I saw that Man...things are...different....

Ha. Who am I kidding. 

I lock eyes with myself in the mirror...something feels off tonight. Oh, how tired I look. My once alive blue eyes are now a dull lifeless grey. My cheeks have little fullness left to brush makeup over, but still I make an effort hoping that the money will be worth the time spent on getting ready. I grab my bottle of perfume, the one my parents gave me as a little girl for my husband on my wedding night. When I first started in this business I tried to used the perfume sparingly in hopes of handing over this precious gift to a man whom I love, but now I use little because it is the only thing left I have of my life before this darkness. The only remembrance I have of family and sweetness and what a real home was like. Usually, I hate the smell of it for the painful reminder that it is and the memories the fragrance brings to my mind, but not tonight. Tonight I breathe in and something different fills my soul...maybe longing...or even hope? 

My eyes meet the eyes of this lifeless woman once again in the mirror. I let my mind wander into pity, something that has been happening frequently ever since I saw that Man on the street. I don't want to go out tonight. Though the money is high, something deep within me longs to stay in bed and dream of being held in a warm embrace. Self-pity quickly turns into shame and guilt and anger deep within me for the life I live...the life I have chosen. But I close this dam of my heart quickly before I drown in the mess of it all. I force myself to get up, remembering the truth of who I am and what I do. Oh how deeply I long for a different truth, but it doesn't matter, because this is who I will always be...right? I breathe in again and let the scent of my perfume fill my lungs for one more moment of dreaming and longing, then I smother the glimmer of hope by walking out the door. 

I make my way through the dark streets to the house of the Pharisee, Simon. My steps are quick along the way to avoid the slander and comments from the people in the town. I pretend that they can't see me and sometimes they do the same, but there is the occasional man or woman that sees my face and yells out "whore" or other words, words that seem to have become my name. Thankfully, I make it to the house unnoticed as the men start to gather. 

The air is cool but not cold like it has been the past few weeks. Spring is just around the corner. I place myself subtly by the door to let the men know that I am there and will be after their feast. The real business won't start until after dinner, until after they have had their wine. A few of these "religious" men see me as they walk past into the house. Though many have laid in my bed before, they try not to make eye contact with me. Cowards. Something about tonight makes me loathe them. 

And then, I see Him, the man from the street. The man who travels with the crowds following him. The one everyone talks about who performs miracles and heals people. Who eats with tax collectors, and sick people, and...prostitutes. 

I begin to panic. I don't want Him to see me, but all the same I want to throw my arms around His neck. My fear wins and I hide my face hoping He won't notice me. I wonder if He knows who I am or what I do? I slip around the other side of the house and run home as fast as I can, barely breathing. I burst through the door and collapse in the chair at my vanity trying to catch my breath, but can't seem to. Something about this man...I must see him again! Will He have me? No, there is no way a man like that would even be near me. But I must see Him! I meet eyes with the woman in the mirror again, and suddenly the dam opens, the one I have had tried to keep shut for so long. All my emotions burst fourth at once. I can't stop the memories from flooding my brain. Every mistake, every sin, every cruel word, every painful experience, every night spent used but still left alone. They come spilling out like a landslide. The tears won't stop. As I try to catch my breath, I my nose fills with the fragrance of my precious perfume...

Before I even know what I'm doing or where I'm running to, I find myself back at the Pharisee's house with my perfume in hand. I don't know what is happening but I do know the water pouring out of the dam of my heart isn't anywhere near stopping. I must get to Him. 

I burst through the door and quickly find the One I'm looking for in the back of the room at the table. I run to Him and throw myself at His feet. Something about His presence makes me weep even harder and I find my tears are washing over His toes. Everyone is watching, they have to be. They are all probably wondering what the hell I am doing here, a woman like me in the house of a Pharisee, barging in uninvited. But I don't care. All I care about is this Man. I realized that His feet are now in a pool of my tears. I grab my hair and being to wipe up the mess I have made. I kiss and I kiss and I kiss His feet because I don't know how else to show Him that I love Him. Oh how freely I have given away empty kisses before this moment. But these kisses are different. They are all I have to give him. These kisses and these tears. And then I remember my perfume. I grab it and before even realizing what I'm doing the whole bottle is poured out over Him. And I find that all I am and all I have is there... at His feet...pouring out. 

He talks with the Pharisee who owns the house, but my cries and my weeping and my kissing are so loud within me that I can't pay attention to their words to each other. 

But then, this man, Jesus, gently lifts my face from the ground to His face. My tear filled, blood shot eyes meet His loving gaze. He pulls me in close and whispers with the sweetest voice I have ever heard "Your sins are forgiven, beloved. Your faith has saved you; go in peace." And I dance in the home of His heart and His grace for the rest of forever in the truth of His great love for me. 

Thank you, O sweet Savior King, THANK YOU.

Repent and Return

"Yet, even now, REPENT and RETURN to me with all your heart..."-Joel 2:13

"Papa,

I feel like I'm in a dream as I lay on this sturdy rock and let the sunshine wrap its light and warmth around my body. The water runs clearer than I have ever seen it through these mountains today, begging me to taste its pureness. Above me, the clouds play a game with the sun by trying to hide it with their thickness. Of course not even the biggest one can mask the rays, but still they play. The bare branches of the trees wrestle in hopes of Spring; of being full with leaves and life. The grass dances with the wind, longing for their flower friends to start blooming. There is no one in sight, just You and me here resting in the beauty of this day You have created.
I have no agenda. No one else to worry about today. No appointments to make or things to get done. I write that more as a reminder to myself than a statement. How easy it is, even as I sit here in the stillness of this beautiful day, to rush "to do" instead of just being. But still the water flows with a whipser that says "Be still, my Beloved."
I have spent the last few days, the first days of this Lenten season, reading Joel 2:13 and wondering where and how to go about the "repenting and returning" to You, my Lord. What to get rid of? What to add? Where have I gotten away from you and how do I get back? You have already taken me to some dark places in my soul that scream of ungodliness and self-centeredness. I feel like most of my time spent with you recently has been much of "repenting" but not so much of "returning." How, Lord, do I return to You when I have gotten so far away? When I have screwed up so much and tried so hard to be my own god? But here in the midst of sunbathing and escaping and reading and resting, it seems to be happening without me even realizing it. I smile and laugh at myself a little for thinking that You would have this "returning" be anything else but getting lost in you.  What great JOY is found in your amazing grace and never ending love! Tears pour out of my eyes, reminding me of the blood that was poured that allows me to sit here on this Rock, on Your lap, in the first place. O Chirst, my Savior King, I adore you! My heart leaps at the thought of Your mercy! I am the "one whom Jesus LOVES," and how deeply that rings true in my soul today. Lord, may I, even now after all I have done against you and all I have failed to do for you, RETURN to Your loving arms and rest in the grace that washes me as clear as this water. Abba, you amaze me with your love for me! May today and everyday for the rest of eternity be about following you and loving you back. I throw myself in your merciful embrace... Amen."
[journal entry from 2/15/2013, a day spent at Greenbriar Park in Gatlinburg, TN]

Orphan Girl at the Graveyard

"Orphan Girl at the Graveyard"-Eugene Delacroix

"Delacroix is an extremely active artist. When he paint Orphan Girl in the Graveyard, she is not a tearful or passive orphan, but a vibrant young beauty, avid for life, alarmed and alerted by the nearness of death, but slack-mouthed and bare-shouldered as she looks away from the graves toward rescue. HEr eyeballs have the gleam of a frightened horse, but the tenseness of her neck muscles is completely healthy. She is not a victim, despite her label."

I wrote this in my journal this week and wanted to share it:

      Buddy Odom shared this painting and it’s description with me in the earlier days of Advent but she has follow me through the season faithfully. The girl is in a graveyard; a place of death and darkness, of hard memories and a lot of pain. She is alone, not only in the painting but in life. The girl is an orphan; no family, no place to call home. I imagine she is there, crouching down over her parents graves like she has done for days..months..maybe even years feeling the same ache in the depths of her heart that reminds her of a world that is not the way it is meant to be. Her eyes fill with tears for longing...groaning to be made whole again. To be called “daughter” and “loved.” Oh, how I long to meet her. We would have so much to talk about, so much in common. I know how she feels. I know her pain and her hurt and her brokenness. I know the longing for home that goes so deep in your bones that it makes you feel like you weigh a hundred extra pounds. When I first heard the name of this painting, I immediately started weeping because that is exactly how the past few months have left me feeling... Like an “Orphan at the Graveyard.” My heart longs for healing. My soul longs for comfort. I have felt the desperation for Christmas this year more than ever. 

But as the Orphan’s eyes fill with tears, something grabs her attention. Her eyes are full of fear and awe.  She looks up. She lifts her eyes from the hopelessness of the graves towards the “rescue.” It looks, to me, as if she is about to spring up from the ground and sprint towards whatever her gaze is lock on! Whatever it is that lights up her face, she wants, she needs. Oh, sweet Jesus I need you! I need your rescue. You have not left me in a cemetery to weep alone, you have not abandoned me. But you COME, O SAVIOR, you COME! You have come for me! I want to run to you, my Lord. I want to run as fast as I can out of this graveyard and into your embrace that is HOME. I want to hear your tender voice whisper “I love you and I am HERE.” Even as I write this, my heart leaps in excitement! I am not a victim, but a DAUGHTER. 

this Christmas.

"The only worry children have about Christmas is whether or not they can possibly wait for it to arrive.  Perhaps this is because only kids seem to understand the secret of Christmas: It isn’t really about giving; it is about receiving.

     According to the Gospels, the only person giving at Christmas is God. Everyone else is simply receiving this silent, holy miracle that breaks into the night.  Much later a few wise men show up with gifts, but their giving is only as an act of worship in response to what God has given us.

     Christmas is a poignant illustration of a dynamic we live with every day of our lives: we spend most of our lives trying to make things happen for ourselves and for the people we love.  But life is not reduced to what you give or know or achieve.  Nor is it reduced to your mistakes, your failures, or your sin.  Life isn’t even defined by whom you love.  Rather, it is defined by the God who loves you. In other words, you are not he central character—not even of your own life’s story.  This is not meant to demean you; it is meant to set you free."

 (Sacred Thirst by M. Craig Barnes)

Every Christmas since I was a baby was spent at my grandmother's house on my dad's side...and Christmas at my grandmother's house was a BIG deal. My grandmother passed away this summer and there is an estate sale going on at the house that I know to be lit up with Christmas lights and decorations and family this time of year. My mom, unlike my grandmother, has never really been big on Christmas. It usually takes a lot of begging from me for her to even bother with a Christmas tree. But this year we didn't bother. We didn't bother with Christmas lights or decorations. We didn't even bother with Christmas presents. Our family's only Christmas tradition has been to go to the midnight candlelight service at a church down the street from our house, but this year we didn't even do that. I went to church by myself on Christmas Eve. 

All that to say, this Christmas has been different to say the least. But this Christmas has felt more like Christmas than any I have known before. This season of Advent has been a hard one for me. I was READY for Jesus to come. To come and heal my in-pain heart. To come into my lonliness. To come into my broken and oh so dysfunctional family. To come into the relationships I have made messes of (and there is many). To come into my insecurities. Just to come save me!!! I have become aware of my groaning and longing and waiting so much more deeply than ever before. However, along with the groaning and longing and waiting was the excitement and joy of knowing that I was doing it all in expectation of receiving the best gift I could ever ask for, and I almost couldn't wait to open it!!!! It took all that I had to leave the gift unwrapped but it made opening it today sooooo much more than I could have dreamed! Today was not defined by what I got or did or said. It was not even defined by who I did or didn't spend it with. But today was defined by a baby that laid wrapped in dirty cloth in a dirty manger in a dirty stable. Today was defined by the GOD WHO LOVES ME enough to COME. To come after me and to rescue me and to SAVE me! Hallelujah, WHAT A SAVIOR! 

Merriest of Christmases to you, my people! 

HAVE YOUR WAY.

"It is Christ who is to be exalted, not our feelings. We will know Him by obedience, not by emotions. Our love will be shown by obedience, not by how good we feel about God at a given moment. "And love means following the commands of God." "Do you love Me?" Jesus asked Peter. "Feed My lambs." He was not asking, "How do you feel about Me?" for love is not a feeling. He was asking for action."

-Elizabeth Elliott

"If you love me, obey my commands."

-John 14:15

I recently read a book that called sin "demanding-ness" and that is exactly what it feels like in my heart here recently. I want what I want when I want it. I want things my way. I want joy and life and adventure and love all on my time. I want to be happy. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to feel like a mess or lost or confused. I don't want to question my identity or feel insecure. I don't want things to be hard, ever. And I definitely don't want to have to wait. I want control. So I cling to my life and my things and most of all my relationships. I hold them tightly with clinched fists. 

But Jesus comes. He asks me if I love him, and deep down, under all my selfishness and fears and crap, my heart says, "yes, Lord, you know that I love you." And he asks again and again, and it seems as if he is asking over and over not to assure or remind himself that I love him, but to remind me that I do. I love him so much. I love him because he loves me and is crazy about me. I love him because of the cross. I love him because he is GOOD and faithful and forgiving. I love him because he lavishes his mercy and grace on me. I love him because he is relentless and comes after me when I run from him. I love him because he calls me beautiful and wanted and HIS. I love everything about him. And when I really think about what I want, it all comes down to him. I just want more of him. And he will give me that if I open my hands to it. He wants to bless up with himself! He wants our lives, EVERY MOMENT of them,to be about knowing him and his love for us more so that we will fall more in love with him! 

Lord, though I will often fail or forget, my heart's cry today is to obey you. I will do whatever you want me to do. I will go wherever you want me to go. I will say whatever you want me to say. I will have whatever you want me to have. I will give whatever you want me to give. I will love whoever you want me to love. God, I want your way. I want your plan for me even if its painful, even if it messy, even if it means waiting and waiting and waiting, and even if it is hard. I will do anything you want if it means more of you. I surrender. I bow down at your feet rejoicing in your GOODNESS! Lord, may my faith be about action and not feeling. My I be continually moving towards YOU in everything I do. I am yours, Lord, all of me. May my life be about YOUR glory, and not mine.

the stone.

My stone weights heavy in my hands as I flip it over and over.

I stare with fiery eyes at this sinful man and can't wait to throw my rock at his vulnerable body.

He deserves pain for the pain he brought in my life.

He deserves blood for the blood that he caused to pour from my mom's body.

He deserves to be alone and naked and ashamed in front of a crowd.

Years of living in a war zone instead of a house.

Years of wondering why I just wasn't good enough for my mom to pick me.

Years of broken promises, wounds that grew deeper, and walls that grew higher.

My emotions are a tangled web inside me of anger, disappointment, and resentment.

And if I'm completely honest, I hate him.

So I ask Jesus for the cue to throw it.

I ask Him because I know He loves me, I know He is good.

I ask Him because I think He might even give me more stones to throw after all this man has done and all the hurt he has caused.

I ask Him, and He replies,

“All right Lindsey, but only if you have never sinned you may throw your stone.

Only if you have never turned you back on me.”

I pause to take in his unexpected words.

My eyes now shift from the man to my stone.

My thoughts are going a million miles an hour,

somehow trying to justify my sins or convince myself & Jesus that I am better than this wretched man.

But as my mind can't seem to find an excuse for my sins,

My fingers begin to loosen up their tight grip on this stone.

And as each memory of times I turned my back of Jesus floods my brain,

the grip gets looser and looser.

And eventually the stone is falling to the ground.

And I am walking away.

And I'm the background I hear,

“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” he said.

And then Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more."

I hear this man I once thought of as evil breathe with relief and thanksgiving.

I hear him weeping and worshiping and laughing and singing.

And then I hear footsteps, but not of walking or running,

but dancing.

He danced with Jesus in joy and love and grace.

He danced because of his rescued life and clean slate.

And as I listen to rhythm of their footsteps of forgiveness,

I find that I am dancing as well.

(my prayer is that I wouldn't stop dancing. that I would only getting more lost and finding more freedom in this grace-dance and I learn how to lay down my stones and watch them get laid down for me daily at the feet of the cross. prayers accepted! :])

love.

"Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another. If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill the requirements of God’s law. For the commandments say, “You must not commit adultery. You must not murder. You must not steal. You must not covet.” These—and other such commandments—are summed up in this one commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law." Romans 11:8-10

"Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them." Romans 12

"Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." Ephesians 5:1-2

"I believe one day we're all going to find out that life was about loving and we spent too much time debating about what's right and wrong"- Liz Gilbert

I feel a little wrecked and a little uncomfortable, but a lot free.

For the past few weeks, okay months really, I have been battling with the large and crucial task of...wait for it...deciding my major. HA! When I say that now it seems so more unimportant than the Lord has already revealed to me it is. But its true. I have been putting my hope in the American Dream, in success and stuff and people and achievements in this life. I cringe as I say that because I know how fleeting and unsatisfying this life is. But the truth is that the future I have been trying to figure out how to achieve is so boring and empty and common and not really what I want at all. I want a life with Jesus. A life lived for His glory and doing His work. So then, being the controlling human that I am, I set out to "do" and to "achieve" for Christ, and realize that I have shifted from the American Dream into this sort of Christian Dream that is all about success and works and status. I found myself stuck and desperate. Desperate for the Lord to give me some sort of direction to go in, some push or nudge or anything!!! The Lord is a faithful teacher and rescuer and oh do I praise him for that. This battle of my mind and heart and a worries has consumed so much of me that I have been missing it...missing the point of this life.

I'm at the beach with 25 of my favorite people. The days so far have been full of sunshine and playing in the ocean. The nights have been full of good conversation and laughter. Overall, every moment of every hour has been full of the Lord's unfailing, never-ending, unconditional love. And in the midst of my problems that aren't really mine at all, He has spoken sweetly into my ears about what He really wants for my life in the future and for RIGHT NOW. He just wants me to LOVE. To love like he loved me. To spend all my time and my energy and my life loving. Loving HIM and loving OTHERS. He wants me to die to myself; to die to my American dream and Christian dream because both, really, are self-glorifying. And instead to love my neighbor as myself. To REALLY, REAL-LY love them. I am a selfish, selfish woman and there is an ugly sinful part of me that shies away from loving others because its hard and because I don't want to and because I would rather choose myself. And if I'm honest, a lot of times I do choose myself. But praise the Risen Lord that He died for that part of me. And praise him that he chose ME over HIMSELF every.single.day. He chose the cross instead of himself, and my prayer in this lenten season is that I would learn to do the same.

my valentine.

I'm really starting to see that its all about you, Jesus.

Today, the desires of my heart are strong and deep and so apparent.

But something else that is so real to me today is how much I am loved ALREADY.

All my desires, all my wants and needs and longings, are met by You.

Jesus, thank you for connecting the dots today.

I watched friends be pursued with flowers and candy and gifts and dates to fancy places, but I got SOOOO much more.

Today you gave me sweet time with a friend that knows me encourages me fiercely. You gave me peace as I prayed about the worries of my heart. You gave me coffee and chocolate covered strawberries. You gave me roomates that serve me selflessly. You gave me high school friends at Central to live life with. You took the baggage off my shoulders and gave me rest.

You gave me YOU. You gave me your Son today. You gave him up on a cross. For me. For today. So that I might know you and know how much you love me. So that you could spend time with me and call me your bride. You gave me the sunrise today. And you gave me love that I will never understand.

I praise you Jesus, my beloved, because I am YOUR beloved.

TOMORROW!

"He laughed"

I keep trying to take it all into my hands. In my impatience, in my fear, in my untrust, I laugh at the Lord like Abraham did. As the Lord, creator of all the earth, once again tells Abraham of the plans He has for him and his wife, Abraham forgets who God is, as I so often do. I laugh in the face of my King, of my Father, of the one who has already proven to be so faithful and so good. I suggest new ideas. I ask Him to bless my efforts as I try and fulfill His plans on my own. But, oh He knows my doubting. He hears me laugh just as heard Sarah laugh, and He doesn't stop loving me. He doesn't take back His promises just because I don't believe they are true. He is faithful, even when I am faithless.

wow.

The sun sets, and I take a deep breathe knowing that the bright pinks of the clouds and the suddle blues of the mountains are a painting for the delight of my eyes and heart by my Makers hands. The Lord has been persuing my heart faithful and constantly, all because He wants me close to Him. What a sweet thing it has been for me to learn that the Lord doesn't need me, but wants me so much, and to actually believe it! He wants me enough to breathe into creation the magnificent planets and the stars and the very cells in my body with such detail all because it he is demonstrating himself to me. And it was effortless to create such great things; things that seem like they are so much more beautiful and incredible than me. But the Lord chose me, chose US. When it came to me, to you, he paid and immerabule cost so that we might be in a relationship with him. Out of all the wonders of the earth, He chose me to wash over with his son's holy blood so that I might be able to understand His love for me. What a sweet, sovereign Lord we have. I am overwhelmed by thanksgiving.

titus 3:3-7

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life."

I am prideful and greedy. My human heart longs for praises of myself; to be liked, loved, and beautiful. My selfish desires often consume me without me even noticing it. I have been foolish, disobedient, deceived, and enslaved by so many things of this world that pull me away from the Cross. Things that make my soul settle for just walking slowly to Jesus instead of running as fast as I can to His feet. I have lived in envy and hated my brothers and sisters. I haven't loved people well, and haven't loved some people at all.

But then, something happened. Kindness and love appeared. I learned what it means to be fully known and fully loved. To be enough. God saved me from the world, from the sinful desires of my heart. He saved me from myself. Nothing that I did, nothing that I can do, therefore nothing I can boast in or be proud of. He washed me and renewed me and made me whole and clean and pure. He, so generously, gave me the Holy Spirit so that I may be with Him always. I have been justified only through his grace that I have no choice but to let wash over me daily or I would be overwhelmed with shame. I am a princess to my Father, and heir to the holiness of His Kingdom. I pray that the riches of his love are enough for me on earth. That his grace and mercy and glory would be the only thing I am proud of.

freedom from shame.

“Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride. I would still choose my dove, my perfect one- the favorite of her mother, dearly loved by the one who bore her.” Song of Solomon 4:10; 6:9

My soul is heavy. Today, my sin and my idols became so real and apparent. And after seeing them, I sat in disgust at a heart that has put so many things before Jesus. My shame so often gets ahold of me. I hide behind my appearance because if it seems like I have it all together, maybe people won't ask questions. I let my past brokenness creep up on my heals and start to overtake my light. But I'm laying it down tonight and accepting grace and mercy with grateful, loving heart because God chooses me. The King of all kings calls me his beloved. His perfect one. His TREASURE. I have been washed clean in the eyes of the only One whose opinion I need to worry about. I have been set free from my shame. From my burden. And have been delighted in and loved. I am choosing the truth tonight. Choosing to believe that my story and my past has been a story of redemption and rescue. I am loved through it all. Through the darkest of the dark and the deepest of the deep. You know my junk, but I am YOURS.

today.

I am exhausted. This past week has been so emotional and exciting and crazy. I have gained a lot of new friends, but lost a lot of sleep. I am sick, stuffy, and tired. On top of it all, there are papers, projects, and tests that need to get done and friendships that need nurturing. Also, my family is going through a lot and my heart is in a different city today. I feel like I am in neutral today, just drifting along from class to class. But in the midst, the Lord has found me.

Some people brought a man who could neither hear nor speak and asked Jesus to lay a healing hand on him. He took the man off by himself, put his fingers in the man's ears and some spit on the man's tongue. Then Jesus looked up in prayer, groaned mightily, and commanded, "Ephphatha!—Open up!" And it happened. The man's hearing was clear and his speech plain—just like that.

Mark 7:32-35

I love that the Jesus pulls us away from the crowd to be with Him in the midst of our inability to hear Him or speak to Him. That He touched the man because that is his only way for him to understand what is happening. I love that Jesus speaks to us in our language. That when my ears and mouth are shut to Him, that Christ finds another way to remind me of His love and grace. Today, the Lord has spoken to me in the sunshine. As my heart ached in hearing the brokenness going on with my family in Nashville and refused to hear the good in it or speak to the Lord about it, He reminded me of His love with His creation. The days have been cold and dreary here in Knoxville this past week, but my soul has found its own warmth in the excitement of events going on. Today, however, my soul is cold and lost in busyness and tiredness but the sun is shining and reminding me of the peace and light found in Christ. The Lord opened my ears and mouth by opening my eyes and speaking my language. He pulled me out of the crowdedness of my schedule and out of the worry and opened my hears to hear Him say, "I love you, Lindsey. Trust me with today. Know that I am with you. Do not worry, remember that everything is in My hands." And in hearing Him, my mouth was opened. I was reminded to let go of my burdens and pour out my heart. To give up my worries and let my day revolve around closeness and conversation with Him. The Lord's holiness has rescued me today from making it all about me. The Lord groans for my heart, eyes, ears, mouth, mind, and soul to be opened. To be healed and restored. He groans for a relationship with me.

YOUNGLIFE!

CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL

1,500ish people.

Red. Black. White.

BOBCATS!

16 team members.

and lots of lost high school kids.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you, thank you, thank you! My heart is so full right now. Full of hope and joy and love and peace and trust. This night was exceeded my expectations by FAR. I can't explain my joy right now, but united pursuit band does a GREAT job of it!

Come away with me, come away.

It's never too late, it's never too late,

it's not too late for you.

I have a plan for you, I have a plan.

It's going to be wild,

it's going to be great,

it's going to be full of me

You have a plan, and You have had one all along. A plan for my school. A plan for my team. A plan for my ministry. And it will only get wilder and greater and fuller than it is now. My prayer is that I stay close. That I never let myself be bigger than the cross, and that when I do, You bring me community that kicks my butt and reminds me that its not about me. I pray for humility and stillness. For a heart that trust and a faith that risks. I pray for attentiveness and receptiveness. I pray that my heart is confident because I have Jesus, the only thing I should ever be confident it. Lord, you are it. You are all. I can't wait to start this new journey and to see where You take me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU again!

risk & faith.

My heart is impatient today as I anxiously wait for the hours to pass down until I find out what school I will be spending the next few years investing in as a Younglife leader. I am excited beyond belief and ohhhh so nervous at the same time. But in the midst of the craziness, the Lord is calling me to be still and sit with Him, and here is what I got.

I spent the morning reading in Mark 5 about Jarius and the bleeding woman. Jarius was a synagogue ruler and believed in the law at his core. But it was in his weakest hour that Jarius knew the law would do nothing for him. The law could not save his beloved daughter. He is desperate. I think about how Jarius felt in the moment he saw Jesus, I am betting it was the same way that I felt when I saw him for the first time; hopeful. Although the it may only be a speck, Jarius felt hope so he throws out his pride and falls at the feet of feet of Jesus knowing that it is all he has left to do. Jarius' request is a simple one. "Put your hands on her." I miss this a lot. The fact that this is all it take to heal, the simple hands of Jesus on my heart. No medicine, no holy ritual, no laws- just hands. I love that Jesus goes with Jarius. The he follows him into his darkest place and brings light there.

As they walk together in a crowd, there is a woman that is suffering from internal bleeding. Her story is one of my favorites. Her pain isn't seen on the outside, but she feels the burden. She is unclean and can't be around people. She can't be hugged or loved or kissed. She is lonely and lost. She put her hope in doctors, but she only grew worse. We are twins. My hope is so often in other things than Jesus. I search for healing and wholeness in being beautiful, or being popular, or being successful. The only things I find from the search is that these "doctors" only make me worse. They pull me away from the only One I know to be a true healer.

More than anything, I love the risk this woman takes. That even though she shouldn't be around people, she pushes through the crowd and takes a risk in touching Jesus' cloak. I pray for a faith that is this big. A faith that risks it all on Jesus, because in my heart I know and trust that he will heal and restore and being me life. And heal he did. The woman immediately felt the bleeding stop. And though he already knows the answer, Jesus asks, "who touched me?" I love this. I love that Jesus asks because he is a relational God. That he wants the woman to open her heart to Him and pour out her soul. She trembles with fear because she knows his power and His greatness, but God is not a punisher, but a rewarder for faith like hers.

"DAUGHTER, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

No more bleeding. No more lonliness. No more being unloveable or not good enough. She was FREE from it ALL. What a sweet picture of freedom and the life found in the holiness of Christ.

But back to Jarius. I wonder how he felt during all this. I know how I would feel. Unloved, forgotten, impatient, unimportant, helpless, hopeless. As time ticks away he knows that his daughter is only growing worse. My selfish heart would be throwing a fit at Jesus as he sat down to talk with the woman about her story. When I see Jesus working quickly and largely in the lives of other, but my prayers are taking longer to be answered, I tend to feel alone and lost. Forgotten by the God who will never forget me. I am so wrong, and I know that, because even as Jesus heals the woman, he is working in the story of Jarius. I love the timing in the story of this story. That Jesus was waiting until his daughter was dead so that he could show the strength of his power.

"Little girl, I say to you, get up!"

And she does. Jesus conquers death. He makes a heart that stopped beating beat again. Jarius has his life back. Not because of anything he did. Not because of the law. Not because of his good deeds. But because he fell at the feet of the only one that could restore. I pray for this in my life. Pray that I fall at the feet of Jesus knowing and trusting that He is it. He is all.

I am thankful for where the Lord has me today. It has been a sweet morning full of hope and trust in where the Lord will put me. Trust that he will continue to restore and redeem. Where I am placed is completely out of my hands, I am finding humility and relief in laying down my burdens before the Lord and bowing at his feet knowing and trusting that He has a plan and His timing is perfect.

anchors.

I thought I knew friendship. I thought I knew what it meant to be in community and to be loyal and loved and honest. I thought I knew what it meant for people to care for me and to fight for my heart. Man, was I wrong.

These girls have changed me this year in BIG ways. We are all so different, SO SO different. From our styles to our personalities to our families to the boys we like. But man, do we love each other. These girls have captivated my heart. Here is a little bit about each one of them!

Hope: Hope is vans and skinny jeans and giggles. She is random adventures and sneaking into places. She is hilarious stories and her bangs pulled to the side. Hope is one of the most honest and truthful and real people I have ever known. She is independent and confident, even if she doesn't realize it. Hope is spontaneous at her core. She makes me want to live life bigger. Hope has a deep relationship with her Savior that radiates from her actions. Her smiles makes you feel at home. Hope is so trusting of the Lord's plans in her life. The way that she lives challenges me in my faith, and I am thankful for the way she pushes me to the heart of the Lord.

Anna: Anna is faithful and commited to the God that stole her heart. She is kind and loving and caring and has continually shown me how to live out of faith. Anna asks questions and seeks my heart and pursues me. She hugs me, and really hugs me. Like the kind of hug that just makes you feel like you are at home. Anna loves to laugh and loves to play. She loveeessss her sweet horsey and loves her family. Anna longs to learn more and go deeper into the Word. Her thrist for Christ is evident. She pour out her love over all of us so well and serves us so selflessly. She is gentle and soft and I love being in her presence because I know that I am loved.

Alice: Alice is adorrrrrable. She has little feet and little hands, but man her heart is huge. That girl is so in love with Jesus. Alice is compassionate and intentional. So so intentional. She is driven to action from a love that makes you want to be a part of it. Everything she does is an overflow of her relationship with Christ and I am so inspired by the way she lives. We have very different families, but I love the way she listens so tenderly to me pour out my heart. Alice is beautiful in the simplest form. She also has the coolest hair, ever. Seriously. It has been a blessing to get to know her. In my eyes she has gone from the shy, quiet girl to the HUH-LARIOUS little dancer that can make me laugh without even trying. She is alive in Christ and full in Christ and He flows out of every pore in her body.

Jessie: Jessie is SO fun. I get an ab workout every time I spend time with her from laughing so hard. She is sweet and truthful. She isn't afraid to be vulnerable. She is weird in the best form of the word. Jessie is wild and crazy in love with Jesus. She has a heart for people and a heart for high school girls. I can't wait to watch Christ pour out of her onto to lives of broken girls that are searching for life in all the wrong places. To be around Jessie is to experience the very dangerous wonder of Jesus. She loves without boundaries and worships with humility. I love her heart and her laugh and the fact that she is my friend.

Kylie: My sweet roommate. Kylie has loved me so well these past two semesters. She has prayed for me and loved on me. She has cooked for me and shopped with me. She pursues me and pushes me. Kylie has opened the doors of her home to me and opened the doors of her heart as well. She is going to be a great roommate for a lot of reason. A few of them being; she is honest, she is responsible, and she is prayerful. She tells me like it is and kicks my butt when I need it to be kicked. Kylie is absolutely beautiful, and I think she forgets that a lot. Kylie is a family girl and has taught me so much of what it means to be a daughter and a sister. She continues to teach me so much about what it looks like to live out the gospel and let it be your life. I can't wait to spend next year under the same roof of someone that is so consumed by the the Lord.

Kate: Kate is a fast friend. The first time I met her, we went eat together. She is a servant in the purest form. She lays down her life so constantly for me, and I am grateful for the example of Christ she is. Kate has been so trusting and encouraging. She listens well, even if I am rambling about nothing. She asks questions and peals away at the layers of my heart. Being in Kate's presence is being in the very presence of Jesus. She knows she is loved and knows she is saved. Kate will be the first to recognize her wrongs and fix them. She doesn't let her pride get in the way of saying she is sorry, something I am so guilty of. Kate runs to the arms of Christ with everything and watching her sprint towards him with abandon moves me.

Blair: Blair is the sweetest girl I know. She is beautiful, seriously, seriously beautiful. Like beach babe body with long gorgeous hair and eyes that sparkle. Her heart is just a beautiful as her exterior. She is oh so loving. Her smile is enough to make you want to dance. Blair is peaceful and calm. Her eyes are tender with compassion. Blair continually lets the Lord place her feet for her next step. She is trusting and wise. Being around Blair is being comfortable. She makes you feel known, even if you have never met. She is fun and her laugh is contagious. Blair is strong and hopeful and captivating.

Mady: Sweet Mady. Mady is so kind. She is devoted. Devoted to the Lord and devoted to her friends and family. She is on my side always and I love the light that shines through her. Mady has the most gorgeous smile and her eyes are are soft as the sky. Mady had great stories and an great wardrobe. She bakes YUMMY food and cares for people with depth. She is forgiving and respectful. She is a Tennessee girl and wears boots sometimes which I love. Mady is her own self, but she knows that she doesn't belong to herself. She is humble and in love with God. She is a giver. Mady has let the gospel change her and watching it change her has made it change me even more.

Gracie: Gracie is so so so gentle. She loves with velocity and truth. Jesus is her armor and she fights hard against evil, and I love that she doesn't just fight for herself. Gracie's heart is scattered all over the world. She is cultured and speaks like a million languages... okay maybe just like 3. Gracie loves to travel and take adventures and brings out the spontaneousness in me. She lives a childlike faith that is innocent and beautiful. Gracie dances with the Lord with freedom. She follows His steps with passion and perseverance . She is trusting of the next moves He will lead her to and let's Him lead her with such grace. She is hopeful and wise. Gracie is the very fragrance of Jesus.

The more I grow with these girls, the more I realize that they are so purposefully placed in my life. They are moving me and changing me and pushing me and challenging me and carrying me. Because of them, I am living bigger and fuller than before. Because of them, I know friendship. Because of them, I know what is is to be fully known and fully loved. They are the anchors that keep me from drifting away from our Father and the cross that saved my life.

home.

"Make yourself at home in My love." -John 15:9

The Lord has been changing me deeply this Lent season. As I have waited for so long to have a home, to have a safe place, a place where I know I am loved and cherished and protected. I have found that in the heart of my savior. I can feel myself being drawn to the heart of the Lord. I have found my comfort in His love and protection. Jesus is teaching me to dance in an entirely new way. A dance of freedom and repentance and redemption. A dance where I do nothing but follow the wild but gentle steps of my God who took it all and declared it finished so that shame cannot enter the dance. I am slowly learning that this dance never stops. It is constant and consistent and the steps are never impossible. Jesus is leading and holding me, and I am finding my home in His arms.