mystery.

i sit and stare out at the ocean. i have never see a color blue like this before. the neon turquoise that is almost to beautiful to be real. the sand seeps through the spaces between my toes and the breeze gently touches my face. under the water is a whole new world of beautiful mysteries i have never seen before. the details of the coral and the perfect designs on the little fish are what have me amazed. You are so alive here and You created all this, for me? Jesus, there is so much about you that i don't know. that i don't understand. but i love the mystery of your sovereignty. i love that i will never fully know. my heart is peaceful today. still. today, you are so real. Lord, help me through the days when it is hard for me to see this beauty. because you are always this close, i just don't always allow myself to see it. let my heart be freed from the chains that hold it down. rid my life of all the keep me from seeing and feeling this kind of love. and when i am falling, Lord, save me. let me cling to you with all i have. Jesus, continue to fill me with joy like this. joy that comes from life with you. joy that pours out of your love for me. love that conquers all. you desire me, so you created this masterpiece of a world so that i might get a glimpse of your kingdom. God, i feel you as you engulf me in your creation. i pray i can continue to be amazed at the wonders you have made for me. thank you for loving me so much. thank you that i can't understand you. thank you for you beauty. and thank you for you mystery.

"Come, let us return to the LORD. 

       He has torn us to pieces 

       but he will heal us; 

       he has injured us 

       but he will bind up our wounds."

Hosea 6:1

I love this picture. Of the Lord tearing us to pieces. Of him furiously hunting us down and ruining our lives. I often picture God as this old man that just sits back and observes all the wrong-doings in my life. not speaking to me. not taking any action. just sitting. and so i just go on with life. nothing changes. but i am so wrong. Jesus is on a wild hunt for my heart. every time i sway from him, he captures me again. And its after he captures me that he breaks me. He makes a mess out of my life. and as i sit in the middle of my broken pieces, he calls that progress? this is such a beautiful picture, but so hard for me to understand. there is so much beauty in the brokeness but it is so hard to see sometimes. the most beautiful part of the process is the healing. The mercy. the redemption. the LOVE. Jesus slowly takes his own bones, his own blood, and tenderly fixes all the broken places in my life. He beings to whisper louder through the pain of healing. he says "I'm here. It will be okay. Trust me, beloved." and there are no sweeter words. 

And let the bones you have broken rejoice!

PS.

my best friends are graduating this week. im not. thats scary, but SO EXISTING FOR THEM!

LIONS. TIGERS. BEARS. OH MY!
hehe. we are dorks, i know.

lost in romace.

i have this burning desire in my heart to be desired, persued, wanted. to feel as if someone needs me in their life. but i am continually disappointed in my search. at the same time i feel this desire, the Lord feels the same towards me. he desires my attention. desires my heart. desires a relationship with me? wow. he waits for me. ever so paitently he waits. even though i continue to disappoint him, he waits. he waits on me to talk to him. waits for me to open my heart. Father, thank you for desiring me even when i was looking for love in all the wrong places. thank you for the way you romance me. thank you that you want me so much, you bless me with the beauties of the earth to get my attention. i ask that you help me to desire YOU. to put you first. to understand my need for you love and your need for mine. "You will find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13) Help me to seek you, and to find you. to desire you and to love you. to want you and trust you. Helo me to get lost in the romance of our relationship.

stacking bricks.

i can feel the walls going up again. as these emotions begin to twist and turn in my stomach, i push them further down. i push them deep, cover them, hide them, and smack a smile on top. each time i feel them bubbling up, i just keep stacking the bricks higher and higher. and i wait. wait for someone to break through. wait for someone to see the real me. the hurt. im stuck. but this is where the magic of it all comes in. father, you know me. you know the hairs on my head, my every though. you know my path and my decisions even before i do. i don't have to wait. ive never had to wait. you are there, by my side, in my heart. sweet Jesus, you break through. you tear down the walls. you listen and you continually call me your beloved. what a breath of fresh air you are when i am suffocating. the love you have for me, wow. even as i try to build walls, Lord, you fight to break them down. Father, help me to trust in you even as i feel this burden. help me to run to the feet of the cross instead of stacking bricks. 

"how long oh Lord will You forget me

how long oh Lord will You hide

hide Your face from me

how long must i wrestle with me

and everyday have sorrow in my heart

sorrow in my heart

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

look on me Lord and answer me

give my eyes light or i will sleep in death

i will sleep in death

my enemies say "i will overcome him"

and my foes rejoice even when i fall

i dont want to fall

for i will trust in Your unfailing love

my heart rejoices in Your salvation

i will sing to the Lord"

-"Psalm 13" shane&shane-

"This is what the Lord says to you:

 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army.

 For the battle is not yours, but God's"

2 Chronicles 20:15

my heart cries out for you, Father. 

fight my battle. 

help me see you, hear you, and praise you through this mess.

thank you for capturing my heart. 

thank you for wrapping your love around me.

rich in love.

ya know that phrase "when it rains it pours"? well its as if it has been pouring in my life for a good 2 or 3 weeks now. the pile only seems to be getting higher and higher o problems. "why God?" has been the new phrase around my house recently. but instead of asking why, i'm trying to see the light at the end of this tunnel. "O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you!" (Psalm 84:12) this verse has brought me a peace through this crazy thunderstorm. i find a freedom in knowing that if i trust in my Father, i will be blessed. I am rich, Jesus. rich with your love and your grace. the grace that i do not deserve, but you give to me anyways. thank you for your gift. and i even thank you for the rain, because if it wasn't for the rain, i wouldn't appriciate the sun.