so good.

I always knew that the time would come when they would pack up and move on and I would feel nothing by abandoned and alone. But as I sit here in the moment of my once biggest fear taking place, I search my heart for those feelings and can't find them. I see you here. In this moment of what I thought would be utter hopelessness and loneliness, You whisper "trust me." I said "yes," but never thought You would work so quickly for... me? Over these past few weeks, I have seen your face in my new friends. I have heard you in conversation of vulnerability, something I promised myself I would not allow this year with these people. Lord, You are here. You are capturing my heart and romancing me through this change. Thank you for continually stripping me of the things "I can't live without" and filling me with You. Thanks for showing me your unconditional love and never disappointing me when I trust you. You are my God, and you are so good.

and the healing begins.

in reading Captivating, i've been exploring my heart lately. trying to find the things that keep me from Jesus and the places where i can really see His glory. in all the exploring, i realized that i'm wounded. and while i thought these wounds were covered, i realized that i have never really let myself see the full damage they have done to my heart. instead, i have just put a bandage on top and hope that they will heal on their own. the messages these wounds carry have been a heavy burden on me and relationship with others. today, during a 4 hour plane ride full of tears and smiles, i let myself see the full effects my brokenness has had on my life. i have been living in this constant state of feeling like i'm never good enough, and no matter what i do, i never will be. that i am not worth fighting for and that no one would take the time to fight for me. in this, i felt alone. but today, Jesus told me something different. He called me His bride. His sweet crown of splendor He holds tenderly in His hands. His perfect one. Jesus reminded me that i hold all of His beauty and glory in my heart, and He wants to restore it to holy ground once again. He tells me that my wounds are not my fault, but the Dark Prince is jealously trying to destroy my heart. my Father takes up His sword against evil and FIGHTS FOR ME. He fights for my beauty? for my glory? am i really worth that? "yes. you are beloved daughter. you are worth fighting for." i praise Your name, Lord. let Your mercy rain down on me.

mystery.

i sit and stare out at the ocean. i have never see a color blue like this before. the neon turquoise that is almost to beautiful to be real. the sand seeps through the spaces between my toes and the breeze gently touches my face. under the water is a whole new world of beautiful mysteries i have never seen before. the details of the coral and the perfect designs on the little fish are what have me amazed. You are so alive here and You created all this, for me? Jesus, there is so much about you that i don't know. that i don't understand. but i love the mystery of your sovereignty. i love that i will never fully know. my heart is peaceful today. still. today, you are so real. Lord, help me through the days when it is hard for me to see this beauty. because you are always this close, i just don't always allow myself to see it. let my heart be freed from the chains that hold it down. rid my life of all the keep me from seeing and feeling this kind of love. and when i am falling, Lord, save me. let me cling to you with all i have. Jesus, continue to fill me with joy like this. joy that comes from life with you. joy that pours out of your love for me. love that conquers all. you desire me, so you created this masterpiece of a world so that i might get a glimpse of your kingdom. God, i feel you as you engulf me in your creation. i pray i can continue to be amazed at the wonders you have made for me. thank you for loving me so much. thank you that i can't understand you. thank you for you beauty. and thank you for you mystery.

"Come, let us return to the LORD. 

       He has torn us to pieces 

       but he will heal us; 

       he has injured us 

       but he will bind up our wounds."

Hosea 6:1

I love this picture. Of the Lord tearing us to pieces. Of him furiously hunting us down and ruining our lives. I often picture God as this old man that just sits back and observes all the wrong-doings in my life. not speaking to me. not taking any action. just sitting. and so i just go on with life. nothing changes. but i am so wrong. Jesus is on a wild hunt for my heart. every time i sway from him, he captures me again. And its after he captures me that he breaks me. He makes a mess out of my life. and as i sit in the middle of my broken pieces, he calls that progress? this is such a beautiful picture, but so hard for me to understand. there is so much beauty in the brokeness but it is so hard to see sometimes. the most beautiful part of the process is the healing. The mercy. the redemption. the LOVE. Jesus slowly takes his own bones, his own blood, and tenderly fixes all the broken places in my life. He beings to whisper louder through the pain of healing. he says "I'm here. It will be okay. Trust me, beloved." and there are no sweeter words. 

And let the bones you have broken rejoice!

PS.

my best friends are graduating this week. im not. thats scary, but SO EXISTING FOR THEM!

LIONS. TIGERS. BEARS. OH MY!
hehe. we are dorks, i know.

lost in romace.

i have this burning desire in my heart to be desired, persued, wanted. to feel as if someone needs me in their life. but i am continually disappointed in my search. at the same time i feel this desire, the Lord feels the same towards me. he desires my attention. desires my heart. desires a relationship with me? wow. he waits for me. ever so paitently he waits. even though i continue to disappoint him, he waits. he waits on me to talk to him. waits for me to open my heart. Father, thank you for desiring me even when i was looking for love in all the wrong places. thank you for the way you romance me. thank you that you want me so much, you bless me with the beauties of the earth to get my attention. i ask that you help me to desire YOU. to put you first. to understand my need for you love and your need for mine. "You will find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13) Help me to seek you, and to find you. to desire you and to love you. to want you and trust you. Helo me to get lost in the romance of our relationship.

stacking bricks.

i can feel the walls going up again. as these emotions begin to twist and turn in my stomach, i push them further down. i push them deep, cover them, hide them, and smack a smile on top. each time i feel them bubbling up, i just keep stacking the bricks higher and higher. and i wait. wait for someone to break through. wait for someone to see the real me. the hurt. im stuck. but this is where the magic of it all comes in. father, you know me. you know the hairs on my head, my every though. you know my path and my decisions even before i do. i don't have to wait. ive never had to wait. you are there, by my side, in my heart. sweet Jesus, you break through. you tear down the walls. you listen and you continually call me your beloved. what a breath of fresh air you are when i am suffocating. the love you have for me, wow. even as i try to build walls, Lord, you fight to break them down. Father, help me to trust in you even as i feel this burden. help me to run to the feet of the cross instead of stacking bricks. 

"how long oh Lord will You forget me

how long oh Lord will You hide

hide Your face from me

how long must i wrestle with me

and everyday have sorrow in my heart

sorrow in my heart

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

i will wait on You

look on me Lord and answer me

give my eyes light or i will sleep in death

i will sleep in death

my enemies say "i will overcome him"

and my foes rejoice even when i fall

i dont want to fall

for i will trust in Your unfailing love

my heart rejoices in Your salvation

i will sing to the Lord"

-"Psalm 13" shane&shane-