out of this world.

7/20/07
"I started thinking that I all i needed was love. I needed to be needed. I needed to be idolized. I needed to be that thing that a person stares at and wants more than anything in the world. I needed that rush of having someone hold you and tell me that i am pretty. I always thought love was, I don't know, this intangible, impossibly beautiful thing. Something along the lines of butterflies. But then I realized that there isn't anything like that in the world. "

funny. i look back on this person i was and remember this feeling of aloneness. the feeling of being so lost and incomplete. and not knowing where to begin. but i was right. there isn't any such thing like this love in the world. a love that makes you feel whole by just looking in each other's eyes, or a love that makes the pain end by holding each other. this love just doesn't exist in this world. but it does exist. with my Father. with my maker. with the one that gave me life. this love is greater than the love i want. the love he has for me can not only make me feel complete and beautiful, but it can move mountains and change the world. i am so grateful for this love. so grateful for the open arms of my Savior. so grateful for a love that is out of this world.

Dad knows the way home.

today, i feel this beauty. the beauty of you in the rain. the closeness of you as you squeeze me tight to your heart and guide me back to the path of truth. back into the sun. back into life. help me to always see this. even when it seems like all that exists is the thunder and lightning crashing around me. help me to remember that your power can protect me from all. Thank you for rain, sun, and leading me home.

not enough to ask for.

the things i long for seem so complex to me. seem as if they are impossible or too much to ask for. i long for happiness and love. long to be wanted. desired. enough. long to be beautiful. i continue to pray for these things. these desires. these worldly things. but this is not what you want for me. these things that seem so far out of reach for me are so easily given to me by you. this desires are weak and half-hearted. I ask that you take them. out of mind & heart. let me desire you and what you offer. complete joy instead of happiness. unconditional love instead of a love that brings disappointments. i am beautiful and enough. you desire my heart. you want to give me the best there is because i belong to you. help me to not be easily pleased. to not long for things of this world, but instead, long for you, Jesus.

letter of love.

i received such a sweet reminder of faith today. at this point, its all i really have to keep me going. its kinda crazy and beautiful the way that our Father works his way into our lives. I love that I got a letter from one of my work crew friends the day after i felt like my world was falling apart. I am so grateful that he has a plan for this. And so grateful for the love he has for me. It is what keep me going. He truly does turn darkness into light.

"be strong & courageous. Do not be terrified; do no be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

thanks emma.

past.present.future.

past.

2008 was a year full of changes. changes in my relationships. with friends. family. and most of all with myself. i learned so much about who i am and where i belong. i am Yours. and i am loved. and i am so grateful for the people and love and beauty i got to experience this year.

 verse for 2008. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

present.

same story, different day. i'm ready for this to be over now. i want nothing more than to see you full of true joy, but you insist on turning your back. i thought it would get easier. i thought i would grown more responsible with age and be able to handle this better, but honestly, all i want it to be 17. i want to be wrapped up in boys and friends. i want to be selfish and get in trouble for staying out to late. but instead, i suck it up and put you first, although my efforts seem to have no effect on your lack of smile. but i don't give up. no matter how exhausted i am. because its worth it just to see the corners of your lips turn up for just a split second. just that little bit is enough. my heart breaks for you. i wish you could know this freedom. this love. knowing you are never alone. i'm loving, and praying for you so that some day you may break the chains that are holding you back from living a full, free, spread out your wings and fly kind of life. 

Father, help me to continue to be strong & bold in your name. help her to see you in my efforts. help her to see you everywhere. i pray you soften her heart. let her feel free. let her feel love. and let her feel life for what it really is. a celebration.

future.

who knows what in store, but its all in Your hands. guide me. teach me more. let me see you in all new way. & let me serve you with each day.

days like this.

"at the cross You beckon me.

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

lost for words, so lost in love,

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."

its days like this when i am so lost in your love. days when i am so at peace with myself. so grateful for this life and the blessings you have given me. days like these when i can see every beautiful flaw in and out of me, but appreciate them for what they are and why they are. the gentle breeze of wind across my face feels like your tender touch. my heart feels so alive. so warm. i see you everywhere. you are in the laughter of my friends. the smile of my mom. i can see you unfolding your magical plans all around me. you beauty is overwhelming. and powerful. this is joy. you are joy. thank you for days like these. thank you for making the mess worth it, just to have days like this. i pray that you help me to let myself feel the butterflies more often. this quickened heartbeat. its for you. its for true love. that only my creator makes me feel.

desires of the heart.

what made the shepherds follow the star to Bethlehem? if i had to guess, i would say that they followed the desires of their hearts. they saw the star, and they saw hope, and life, and a new beginning. they travelled a far distance and never once questioned the sparkling fire in the sky. the star led them to truth. to salvation. to hope. to love. and to the only real way of life. 

i pray that this Christmas you help me come to know you in this way. Help me to see that all the desires of my heart can be met by you, & only you. I ask you stand with me and cradle me in your arms as i search for my peace from this mess.

"I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

John 8:12