Tuesday, April 17, 2012

the stone.

My stone weights heavy in my hands as I flip it over and over.
I stare with fiery eyes at this sinful man and can't wait to throw my rock at his vulnerable body.
He deserves pain for the pain he brought in my life.
He deserves blood for the blood that he caused to pour from my mom's body.
He deserves to be alone and naked and ashamed in front of a crowd.
Years of living in a war zone instead of a house.
Years of wondering why I just wasn't good enough for my mom to pick me.
Years of broken promises, wounds that grew deeper, and walls that grew higher.
My emotions are a tangled web inside me of anger, disappointment, and resentment.
And if I'm completely honest, I hate him.
So I ask Jesus for the cue to throw it.
I ask Him because I know He loves me, I know He is good.
I ask Him because I think He might even give me more stones to throw after all this man has done and all the hurt he has caused.
I ask Him, and He replies,
“All right Lindsey, but only if you have never sinned you may throw your stone.
Only if you have never turned you back on me.”
I pause to take in his unexpected words.
My eyes now shift from the man to my stone.
My thoughts are going a million miles an hour,
somehow trying to justify my sins or convince myself & Jesus that I am better than this wretched man.
But as my mind can't seem to find an excuse for my sins,
My fingers begin to loosen up their tight grip on this stone.
And as each memory of times I turned my back of Jesus floods my brain,
the grip gets looser and looser.
And eventually the stone is falling to the ground.
And I am walking away.
And I'm the background I hear,
“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” he said.
And then Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more."
I hear this man I once thought of as evil breathe with relief and thanksgiving.
I hear him weeping and worshiping and laughing and singing.
And then I hear footsteps, but not of walking or running,
but dancing.
He danced with Jesus in joy and love and grace.
He danced because of his rescued life and clean slate.
And as I listen to rhythm of their footsteps of forgiveness,
I find that I am dancing as well.

(my prayer is that I wouldn't stop dancing. that I would only getting more lost and finding more freedom in this grace-dance and I learn how to lay down my stones and watch them get laid down for me daily at the feet of the cross. prayers accepted! :])

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