Monday, May 24, 2010
I reached the pit of the black nothing. It was colder and darker than I had ever dreamt of. Yes, I had dreamt of this place before. This place where I thought my broken heart could be forgotten forever. Where life seemed to have no meaning, which is what I thought I wanted. The wind was gone, or so it seemed.
Suddenly I was in chains. They were heavy and tight. I tried to break free but I was weak. Hopeless I laid there with nothing but the darkness to comfort me. Was anyone going to help me? Just like I had predicted, the reality of my brokenness hit, and hit hard. It was as if someone had dropped a dozen bricks on top of my lungs. As if someone has ripped out my heart with his bare hands and was stomping on it over and over. I couldn’t breathe and I was sure that I would die soon.
Then, the wind came.
It filled my lungs with more air than I had ever taken in before. It lifted me out of the black and carried me above the clouds. I would have been afraid if it hadn’t been so strong. I trusted it to hold me. It was gentle as it showed me the wonderful things I had been walking away from.
The wind had been fighting for me all along.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Whenever the moon shimmers on top of the ocean, I will remember your eyes.
The night was perfect. The gentle and cool air crept its way between our bodies, giving me more reason to step in closer. I could hear your heart racing and feel your warm breath on my neck as we hugged. You said that you hate showing affection in public, so the fact that we were on a popular peer surrounded by people made me feel special. But you always made me feel special. Knowing my heels are killing me, you scooped me up in your arms and carried me down to the beach. You sat me down gently in the sand and patiently waited for me to take of my shoes. Then you stuck out your hand to help me up, something you were always doing. Not just in a physical sense, but emotionally as well. I like that I didn't even have to ask you for help or tell you when I need someone to talk to because you already knew.
You wanted to walk but I had something else in mind. I started sprinting clumsily for the dark ocean. You didn't follow, but instead just watched from the shoreline. I splashed some water your way and begged you to get in, but honestly, all I really wanted was for you to look at me like that forever. Your eyes were tender as they soaked in every detail of the moment. As I made my way back into your arms, I realized how wet I really was. My shorts were soaked but we just laughed about it. We sat and you listened as I rambled about my life. You laughed at my stupid jokes and smiled as I talked about my friends and family that you had never met, asking questions and prying open my past. I loved that you were patient with me as I tried to make sense of my messy life for you. I ran my fingers through the sand and looked up only to find you starring at me again with those eyes. You played with my hair and twisted it around your finger as we talked, but somehow you still managed to pay attention to every word that spilled out of my mouth. And even when there were moments of silence, we were still so comfortable.
I turned around to face you. Its was cute, the way that even when the slightest crack of a smile appeared on your face it created dimples that covered your cheeks. Our hands entwined, bodies close. I thought you were going in for the kill but instead you starred into my eyes and said, "What are you thinking right now?" I was shocked that you actually wanted to know. After quickly trying to clear my throat to erase the shakiness from my voice, I said, “How this has been the perfect night; dinner, the ocean, the beach, everything.”
I didn't tell you the truth, well at least not the whole truth anyway. Yes, the night was perfect, but it wasn’t because I could see almost every star in the sky or because the moon was almost full. It wasn’t because I was at the beach and I could hear the sound of the waves crashing on the shore behind us. The truth was all I was thinking about was you; how badly I wanted to kiss your smooth lips, how I wish we had more than just two days until I had to leave you, how this is the best first date I could have ever asked for with a boy unlike the rest that crowded my memories.
It felt like a year between the last syllable that uttered from my lips and the time that your lips were on mine, but when it happened it was bliss. Your hands slowly let go of mine and crept their way up to my neck where your fingertips hid in my blonde curls. I kept hearing something in my hear that sounded like the beat of a drum, but then I realized it was your heart beating loud and fast. I made your heart beat faster? ….Me? I pulled in closer and kissed with more passion than before realizing that my heart was beating faster too.