Sunday, November 29, 2009

the edge of the sea.

at the edge of the ocean is where it all fits into place for me. You are so great there. so much bigger than i let you be in my life daily. your whisper is in the waves rolling to the shore. your love is in the details on the different color sea shells and the millions upon millions of little grains of sand. you are so great. so loving. i so often let my own fears get in the way of seeing that. fears of being a failure, or fears of repeating the past. fears of being alone, and fears of vulnerability. with these fears, i cannot find the freedom you offer with your love. so take them. and guide my soul. let me rejoice in the fact that i am powerless. that the future does not exist without you and that, if i let you, you will paint it more beautiful that i ever could. i often forget that you are resting inside of me. that i don't have to search for you. that i don't have to travel to the ocean to feel your presence. you are in my heart. 
"into your hands i commit my spirit, redeem me, oh God of truth." psalm 31:5

Sunday, November 15, 2009

the fall.

I open my eyes .
A depth of blackness i have never know devours my sight.
The stench of sour milk and rotten eggs
Sulfer and burning flesh
Where am I?
Stagnate warmth of the most unsettling nature ex-fixates my every motion
I can feel my hands dragging through the thick odors that bite at my nostrils
I can even hear the stench filling every pour of my skin.
Its as if the air has never known life.
This is no wind I know

I stand but my head begins to spin.
I tumble backwards.
Falling ....
Falling ....
Through the particals of filth and wretchedness
Through the parched air
Through this lifeless void
I keep falling ...
Falling... Tears.

How have i ended up here?
When did i ever wish myself away to a vacuum of stench and filth?
All i know to do is cry, for the falling will not cease
And the smell will not disappear.
I swell full of tears and burst longing for my home.

I long for the twigs of trees and the buzz of bees
I long for the blooming flowers and the pictures painted in the clouds
I miss the gentle eyes of friends and strangers
I miss the soothing warmth of grass beneath my feet.
I miss the western breeze gently caressing my cheek.
Every tear brings forth a new sea of memory.
Every memory brings forth a new tide of tears.
And the falling never stops ...

Though the tears i see a flicker.
A glow.
An amorphous pool of light and water has sprung above me
It grows closer and closer with every fleeing moment.
A cold burst dances to my toes.
The gently moving water engulfs me and i am swimming.
I can taste the tingle of salt and emotion all over my body
I know these are my tears.

As i swim the light expands and grows.
The shores of my tears reach to the furthest corners of my sight
The warmth of a rainbow starts in my chest and fills me with joy.

I feel ground again.

I cry...

I watch the grass grow beneath my feet.
An apple tree grows at my side as i watch the sun rise and set a thousand wondrous ways.
I rest my back to a tree and see birds hearing every note of their song as they flutter to the branches nearest my heart.
A family of squirrels russles in leaves above me and knock an apple on my head.
I heard their giggles dance off in to infinity.

What a magnificent place.

Arms around my waist.
A familiar smiling face
His eyes telling me I am home again.
Back to the truth.
Back to the a love that could move mountains.
Back to where i belong.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

you give and take away.

Its the take away part that I often don't understand, but I trust you. Lately the weight of insignificance has been pressing down hard on my shoulders. I just want to matter sometimes. But then you call me your "crown of splendor" and I rejoice in the fact that I am that precious to you. Your princess. Although this weekend was a bummer, and I was angry at you and everyone else, I know in my heart that your purpose is stronger and your path is right. Forgive my selfish ways. And in all honesety, I don't matter, because its all you. Only YOU.
Blog Template by Delicious Design Studio